


Identity Crisis

by gigglemayhem



Series: All for a Smile [5]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-08 12:42:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 31,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gigglemayhem/pseuds/gigglemayhem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Choi Seunghyun has to dress as a woman for MBC's revamped version of 'We Got Married', in which he is 'married' to another man... the man of his dreams, in fact. Enjoying wearing dresses entirely too much for his own good, Seunghyun struggles to find his true identity. And Alex... well, Alex thinks he's hot, man or woman or both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Smitten

_At the end of filming the second episode...._

 

“So, your place is farther... would you just like to spend the night at my place?” Alex asked.  
  
“Huh? Oh, right, um... sure,” Seunghyun said, distracted. While the original plan had been to have an extended filming session at Alex’s home, the final decision was made not to. They (the director, specifically) wanted the first scene of a home for the Alhyun couple to be set at the one WGM had rented for the occasion.  
  
So that meant Alex and Seunghyun had a lot of unexpected free time on their hands, and Seunghyun _had_ thought it would be for the best if he just went back to the Big Bang dorm as soon as possible, for various reasons. But he really couldn’t resist....  
  
The main reason he was afraid to go with Alex was due to the unveiling of himself in a dress to Alex. He hadn’t missed the way the older man looked at him when he was revealed to him. The editors would no doubt go overboard with the slow-motion and rosy glow filter and whatnot, and the fangirls would go crazy, and there would be loads of fanfics about that moment... but Seunghyun was very certain _that_ look was real. It was not a figment of the imagination, like everyone else would assume. None of the cameras had looked straight on at Alex’s expression, but Seunghyun had.  
  
The expression Alex wore showed that he was honest-to-goodness smitten. And Seunghyun wanted very much to believe it.  
  
He worried, though, that if Alex were ever to fall in love with him, it would be with his female identity, not TOP the man.  
  
Seunghyun sighed as he was guided to the car, still in his dress. Alex was such a perfect gentleman -- exactly Seunghyun’s type, he noticed to his chagrin -- and he held the door open for the younger man as if he were a princess. Seunghyun struggled for a minute as he found that stepping into the car while wearing a tight skirt was a bad idea, before finally figuring out that he should sit sideways, _then_ turn and tuck himself into the car.  
  
Unfortunately that last moment was being filmed, to Seunghyun’s embarrassment, but at least that was the last of it for the day. As soon as they set off, the only people who could be ashamed of his future incompetence were himself and, of course, Alex.  
  
He waited. Seunghyun predicted that Alex would either say he looked pretty as a ‘girl’, or comment about how embarrassing Seunghyun’s situation was.  
  
Instead, Alex asked, “What would you like for dinner?”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Dinner. I promised you dinner, remember?”  
  
Seunghyun’s jaw dropped. When Alex realized he wasn’t going to get an answer, he asked a different question. “See that bag back there?” Seunghyun twisted around in his seat and looked back. “Look inside and pick one,” the older man instructed.  
  
So he looked. The bag contained samples of scented bath oils.  
  
“I have some at home, but I thought I’d get a few more just in ca-”.  
  
“We’re still going to do this?” Seunghyun asked, interrupting the older man. “You’re... you’re going to fulfil all of your promises to me even though we aren’t being filmed?” He felt pleased in spite of his doubts about Alex’s intentions.  
  
“Well, sure! If you don’t want it, we don’t have to do it, but I’m perfectly happy to do it.” Alex smiled at Seunghyun, making the younger man’s insides flip disconcertingly. “Had you shown the cameras or any of the crew our text conversation?”  
  
Seunghyun blushed, remembering his own silly request. There was _no way_ he would show that to the cameras. And... in a way... he had wanted to pretend even for just a little bit that it was a real conversation between lovers.  
  
“No. But I thought _you_ might have told them about it. You’ve never held back with the romantic gestures before... with Shinae, I mean. I figured the WGM crew would go crazy over a situation like this...”.  
  
Alex winced slightly. “They would, wouldn’t they? And yeah, I am a bit forward, aren’t I? But this is a rather unusual situation for me, being with a man romantically, I mean. And I expect it’s the same for you, too. _Especially_ for you. I meant it when I said I was sorry to have forced you into being the one to wear dresses. You do look beautiful, and I’m sure you’re talented enough to knock everyone’s socks off in your new role, but it won’t be easy for you. In spite of how awesome you are, people will be mean to you, ... and I intend to do what I can -- or whatever you’re willing to let me do -- to make this show as burdenless as possible.  
  
“As such, I’d like to do what I can to apologize for what I’ve done to you. And I’d like to get to know you for who you really are, since you may feel like you’ll have to change your personality for your new role.”  
  
Dazed, Seunghyun tentatively asked, “And what if my personality is more like a woman’s than a man’s?”  
  
Unfazed, Alex replied, “That’s fine. Man or woman, or some combination of both, I’m okay with who you are. I’d just like to know, that’s all. I don’t want to do anything to offend you because of my ignorance.”  
  
And there it was, the moment where Seunghyun could feel himself crossing the point of no return: he had it bad for the older man. _Smitten_ was what he was. Alex was his dream man in every sense, and knowing he had finally met him scared Seunghyun shitless, and it thrilled him at the same time.  
  
Seunghyun thought for a moment, before finally answering, “I’m okay with having whatever you want to cook for me, and this one.” He held up the bath oil of his choice and showed it to Alex.  
  
The older man winked at him, and to Seunghyun’s hidden delight, he said, “You got it, Baby!”


	2. Confidence... or the Lack Thereof

In spite of being totally comfortable with seeing a man in a dress (hell, he’d been to enough gay pride parades to see a few now and then), Alex was beginning to get some uncomfortable jitters by the time they reached his home. He needed to see Seunghyun in men’s clothes before things spun out of control, and he needed to see it _now_.  
  
So when they got inside, he instructed Seunghyun to go to his room and grab something comfortable to sleep in from his dresser while he went to get the bath ready. He barely spared a glance at the younger man when he went to close himself within the bathroom.  
  
Some small amount of relief washed through Alex, now that he was alone for a while (he hoped he would get half an hour at least, while Seunghyun relaxed in the tub). He went through the routine of chopping vegetables for a stir-fry, letting his mind take things in at a slower pace.  
  
Uncle Phil had warned him of this, he remembered. He had looked long and hard at a teenage Alex one day, and when asked what he was thinking, he declared, “Yep, this one may not be gay, but he’s definitely going to question his sexuality someday.” Alex had no idea how to respond to that comment other than to laugh at it’s apparent ridiculousness.  
  
Yet here he was -- just as Phil had predicted -- questioning his sexuality.  
  
His stomach was churning from mixed feelings, and the smell of food wasn’t helping. Alex was okay with the idea of sexual relations between men, not that he’d ever experienced it himself. He had been tempted to try, on a few occasions when he was with gay friends who were not looking for a solid relationship but still wanting some physical intimacy every now and then. He’d imagined what sex must be like, and he figured for the one on top it was just like the usual anal sex with a woman. On the bottom, though... he’d fingered himself a few times, and it wasn’t really that bad. It wasn’t great either.  
  
Being such good friends with Phil, and having grown up in a supportive environment where homosexuality was a non issue, Alex _thought_ he knew all he could about what homosexuality was without ever having to experience it.  
  
But then he met Seunghyun. And then he saw Seunghyun in a dress.  
  
The first meeting with Seunghyun hadn’t been love or lust at first sight, although the idea of a sort of platonic test drive into homosexuality did thrill Alex somewhat. Seunghyun wasn’t too difficult to imagine as a lover. He seemed to embody both masculine and feminine qualities, and from the way things went today, it was apparent he didn’t need to be confined to one gender. But judging from the _first_ day alone, Seunghyun’s strength of character when it came to defining himself as a gay man for the show and still being able to maintain his dignity impressed Alex. He was sure he was not in love from the first day, but he sure as hell respected the man.  
  
Today, however, he practically drowned in being in love... and lust. When he saw Seunghyun in a dress, the feeling was mild. And then the feeling just grew and grew, and eventually Alex just felt like melting into a puddle of goo. Even though Seunghyun was modestly dressed, Alex felt tempted to grope him after a while. The older man could see before that Seunghyun was a man considered sexy, but now he was positively dripping in sex appeal. Alex thought he finally understood how Big Bang fangirls must feel whenever they see the younger man in person. If he had been a girl, his ovaries definitely would have exploded,... his balls nearly had anyway.  
  
Alex was all cool with this... except for one thing: he hadn’t felt like this for the _man_ that was Choi Seunghyun, but he did feel this way for the _woman_ that was Choi Seunghyun. It disturbed him that he didn’t feel equally about both sides of the one man. He didn’t like that he, Alex Chu, would be so selective.   
  
It was because of this discomfort with himself that he needed to see Seunghyun as a man right now. And while his comments about wanting to perform his share of responsibility for the younger man had been true, he was not performing the romantic gestures he had texted about to Seunghyun as an apology....  
  
He did it to test himself, to see whether his feelings were just as strong, or capable of being as strong, as how he felt when Seunghyun was a woman for a few hours.  
  
It didn’t cross his mind until he was nearly finished preparing dinner that Seunghyun may be, in all likelihood, straight, and then all of his planning and over thinking would be a total waste of time.  
  
\------------------------------------  
  
“ _Shit_ ,” Alex muttered to himself at this last revelation, depositing the steaming vegetables onto a plate. He stilled for a moment when he heard a small thump from the bathroom, then the sound of a plug being pulled out. He went to hurry and put the food on the table in preparation for Seunghyun’s arrival.  
  
Seunghyun’s phone rang, and Alex answered it for him when he saw it was Daesung’s number.  
  
“Hello Daesung-sshi, this is Alex,” Alex said, so as not to confuse the younger man at the start.  
  
He was the one surprised, however, when it was Seunggi who answered him back. “Alex-hyung? It’s Seunggi... does TOP-sshi have a moment?”  
  
“Er, he’s a bit indisposed... do you need him right now?”  
  
“Yes. I’m sorry, hyung, but it’s Daesung... he accidentally hit a rabbit while driving today -- _totally_ not his fault, by the way! -- and we’re at the vet's, and Daesung’s been freaking out... not right now, though. He’s managed to calm down enough to help take charge of the situation. But still, once things settle down around here, and he has time to think about things... I don’t know what to do! If he freaks out again, I don’t know how to distract him-”.  
  
During Seunggi’s speech, Alex understood that it was an emergency, and he needed to get the phone to Seunghyun _now_. He walked swiftly to the bathroom door, tapped on it twice in warning of his presence, then opened it. Seunghyun’s bare back was facing the door, and the younger man squeaked in surprise as the door opened. Alex barely registered his physical state, and simply held the phone out to him. Flustered, the younger man grabbed the phone and glared at Alex to leave.  
  
“Hello?” Alex heard Seunghyun say as he closed the door again, giving him some privacy.  
  
Alex went back to the kitchen and transferred plates of food to the dining table, covering them up with tin-foil to keep them warm in case the conversation lasted a while. He also got coats and shoes out in case the situation was so dire Seunghyun needed to go to Jeju. Like Seunggi, Alex didn’t know Daesung well enough to predict whether he needed help or not.  
  
Alex sat in a chair and waited.  
  
Seunghyun walked out of the bathroom, fully dressed in a sweat suit, still talking with Seunggi. He paused by the chair designated to him, and Alex watched his serious, concerned expression while he spoke, “You think you can handle this? ... -I don’t want to pressure you into doing this or anything; I _can_ go over there, no questions asked. ... -You’re sure? ... -Okay then. If you need anything more, any more tips or even to have me talk with Daesung, just call me. Any time of the night will do, although you’d be better off calling Youngbae since he’s a light sleeper. ... -Okay.... Okay, bye.” He hung up the phone and sighed.  
  
“How is everything?” Alex asked as the younger man sat down.  
  
“It’ll be okay.... Daesung doesn’t have the best of luck, unfortunately, but it seems like Seunggi-sshi is handling things well...”.  
  
Seunghyun trailed off, seemingly uncomfortable with talking too much about his younger band mate. Alex let it go, and changed the subject. He gestured to the younger man to go ahead and eat.  
  
They had a light conversation, and Alex allowed himself to relax and become comfortable with Seunghyun. The younger man was nervous about something, though, and Alex was almost sure it had nothing to do with Daesung or the phone conversation. Seunghyun kept checking himself when he thought Alex wasn’t looking, doing things like adjusting his sweater, combing his hair nervously, shifting in his chair and adjusting his posture.... Alex couldn’t for the life of him see anything wrong with Seunghyun’s appearance, but he had a niggling feeling that he himself was a main reason for the younger man’s discomfort.  
  
 _Is he angry that I didn’t wait for a response before entering the bathroom?_ Alex wondered. _He doesn’t like people walking in on him while he’s changing, I know that much. I guess he’s mad that I came in without permission...._  
  
Alex thought about when he stepped in to the bathroom, and the answer suddenly hit him in the face. There had been worries and distractions to keep him from noticing it before, but even so, he didn’t know how he could have missed it the first time. A clear memory of what Seunghyun looked like from the back, shirtless, invaded Alex’s mind, and the vision was not sexy at all.  
  
He remembered seeing each individual bone of Seunghyun’s spine sticking out through his skin, and his arms were frighteningly thin.  
  
Alex tried not to let Seunghyun see that he had noticed. Weight issues, especially for people in the show business as models and singers and actors, was a very sensitive subject, and Alex knew he had to tread softly.  
  
What he really wanted to do was ask Seunghyun why in God’s name did he need to be so thin? He was gorgeous, for fuck’s sake! Sure, he’d been chubby in his teens and everyone in South Korea seemed to have something to say -- positive or negative -- about that when they found out (Alex, himself, had thought the photos of the younger man were cute and charming, but he didn’t feel it was right to voice that opinion, not when everyone else had), but he was _Choi-fucking-Seunghyun_! This shouldn’t _matter_ to him! He was _above_ such things -.  
  
It was then that Alex had another painful revelation: even the strongest people have their weaknesses, and Seunghyun, for all his apparent confidence in himself, was not above some things.  
  
Just when he was about to insist that Seunghyun eat some more -- tactfully, of course... he didn’t want to scare the man -- Seunghyun placed his chopsticks down with a sense of finality that caused Alex to look at him. The younger man placed his elbows on the table and linked his fingers together under his chin, staring directly at Alex with a piercing look.  
  
Alex gulped. “W-would you like some more food?” he offered.  
  
“No thank you. I’ve still got a good portion left on my plate,” Seunghyun said calmly. Alex looked down and noticed, to his embarrassment, that he did, indeed, have a good portion of food on his plate already.  
  
Seunghyun tilted his head slightly, somehow making Alex feel put on the spot. “Is there something you want to tell me? Or ask me?” Seunghyun asked, his voice deceptively calm. “Something about my physical appearance, perhaps?”  
  
Alex’s mouth opened and closed like a fish’s. After all of the questions jumbled through his mind, he finally settled on, “Why? _Why_ would you want to do that to yourself?” He felt small under Seunghyun’s gaze, but even that discomfort didn’t stop him from adding, “You’re perfectly beautiful _without_ having to subject your body to such an extreme diet.”  
  
Seunghyun’s features surprisingly softened, and he seemed almost flattered. “I’ll admit, I used to practice bad dieting habits, including self-induced vomiting and starving myself and such. But not anymore.” He allowed Alex to give him a disbelieving look, before he continued in a soft voice, “Look it up, hyung. A few weeks ago, I had to take a small break because I was sick with the stomach flu. It was all over the news. I’ve only barely started to regain the weight that I lost.”  
  
Now that Alex thought about it, he had read something like that recently. But still, he didn’t quite feel at ease. Unsubtle, he took Seunghyun’s half-empty rice bowl and topped it off.  
  
“Why are you so self-conscious about changing in front of others, then? Are you at least comfortable changing around your band mates?” Alex asked after Seunghyun had picked up his chopsticks to continue eating.  
  
“I’ve always been uncomfortable with my appearance, no matter what weight or body form I manage to achieve,” he answered coolly. “I try not to care anymore, and for the most part I don’t. But there are some people whose confidence in themselves make me lose confidence in myself from time to time. Everyone in Big Bang make me feel that way without intending to, so I _really_ don't feel comfortable changing around them, even though I know they won't judge me.”  
  
“You _shouldn’t_ feel uncomfortable with yourself,” Alex stated. He practically glared at the younger man. “Like I said before, you’re very beautiful no matter what your body is shaped like.”  
  
A small, genuine smile lit Seunghyun’s face, and he glanced down shyly. “That isn’t exactly what you said before, but thank you,” he said, soothing Alex now that he was sort of accepting... _something_. He wasn’t quite accepting that he was beautiful to himself yet, but it gave Alex hope that he would accept it someday.  
  
“I may need you to tell me again, from time to time,” Seunghyun added, almost in a whisper.  
  
“You’re beautiful,” Alex affirmed, without hesitation.  
  
Seunghyun chuckled, and shyly focused on his food.  
  
Alex allowed him to have his space, and didn’t try to engage him in more conversation during their dinner. He did, however, go back to his earlier concern, and considered to himself whether Seunghyun was someone he was truly having a sexuality crisis over.  
  
He wasn’t lying when he said Seunghyun was beautiful. His heart did not quicken as frantically when Seunghyun was a man as compared to when he was a woman, but Alex supposed everyone was allowed their own kinks, and Seunghyun in a dress was most definitely a kink to him, at the very least.  
  
And in terms of the respect he had already formed for Seunghyun... was not compromised, even with the sudden understanding that Seunghyun was, in some respects, weak after all.  
  
He couldn’t be sure, just yet, but he supposed that if this was, indeed, a budding relationship, then perhaps this was an okay place to start. At least, he was confident he could be a good friend.


	3. He's Got It Baaaaad....

Seunghyun lay in bed wide awake, contemplating things. He held a hand over his heart, which had not slowed down from its fluttery-frantic beating from earlier. He had kicked the blankets off of him in spite of it being the beginning of winter because his body felt warm all over.  
  
He curled up to his side, and belatedly realized he was facing the wall that divided the bedroom from the living room, where Alex had moved to for the night. An image of the older man walking around doing normal household things floated through his mind. For some reason he was wearing a tank top, and the image of his bare, muscular arms turned Seunghyun’s body temperature up just a notch.  
  
Seunghyun whipped away to face the other wall, an uncharacteristically hysteric giggle bubbling up. He hid it in his pillow, then groaned as he imagined the smell from the pillow as being the smell from Alex’s hair. He took deep breaths and stared at the ceiling, counting the glow-in-the-dark stars a previous tenant had put up for their child as a distraction. Unfortunately, he began to imagine what Alex must have looked like as a child, and the vision was so adorable, Seunghyun found himself hugging the pillow close and fighting a smile.  
  
If there was anything for Seunghyun to be grateful for, it was that his uncontrollable imaginations weren’t creative enough to produce anything higher a PG-13 rating. Sure, the things he found himself thinking bordered on raunchy... but only if the situation was looked at from the perspective of a teenager with a crush on someone unattainable. This certainly did not feel like something an adult would feel, or rather, it wasn’t something Seunghyun thought that he should be feeling as an adult.  
  
He whimpered into the pillow in embarrassment for the nth time that evening, remembering back to the dinner conversation about his weight and how immature he had felt. Seunghyun knew he should feel proud of himself for standing up for himself about his past diet issues, but instead he felt mortified that his childish secret had been exposed so suddenly, especially to a person who he was falling in love with.  
  
He took another deep breath, and wondered how much longer he would fall before his feelings stabilized into something more manageable.  
  
So lost was he in his thoughts, he didn’t notice the door silently crack open. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Alex inquired, “Can’t sleep?”  
  
Seunghyun let out the huff of air he had gasped in. “No, just thinking about things,” he responded quickly, not wanting Alex to worry and stay in the room and make Seunghyun’s warm and fuzzy feelings even more warm and fuzzy.  
  
To the younger man’s chagrin (delight), however, Alex sat down on the side of the bed and asked, “Worried about Daesung, huh?”  
  
“Er, yeah,” Seunghyun answered, not really thinking about Daesung at all but about how Alex’s t-shirt clung nicely to his chest.  
  
Seunghyun wondered why the hell was he so infatuated with manly muscles and well-defined chests all of a sudden. He tried to imagine soft, feminine features and round, squishy boobs, but that thought backfired as his thoughts unhelpfully (helpfully) conjured up the image of himself with those features, and how they would be useful for his role in the show.  
  
Alex was asking him a question, but Seunghyun had been too distracted to hear it the first time. “Do you want to talk about it?” Alex asked again, concern etched further into his features.  
  
Seunghyun tried really hard to keep his facial expressions under control when he responded in the negative, because he was very much tempted to sit up and kiss Alex’s face in an attempt to relieve the older man of his concerns. The power behind the temptation frightened (thrilled) him immensely, and he was pretty close to flailing helplessly.  
  
Fortunately for him, Alex stood up before that happened. He reached down and patted the younger man’s shoulder -- Seunghyun blushed as he realized he was still clinging to the pillow -- while saying, “Well, if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.” And with that, Alex went over to the closet and grabbed the blanket he had come in for in the first place, and walked out of the room.  
  
Seunghyun’s skin tingled in a bad (good, _very good_ ) way where Alex had touched him. He searched desperately for something, anything, to distract his thoughts, when he realized Alex had already unwittingly provided him with a potential answer to his immediate problem: Daesung.  
  
“Hey Hyung,” his dongsaeng answered sadly when he picked up the phone.  
  
Seunghyun immediately felt guilty for using his own problems as an excuse to call up another person with problems, but he plowed on anyway. “Hey Daesunggie, how are you doing?”  
  
The younger man groaned on the other end of the line. “I’ve been better,” he said simply. He sounded like he was going to cry.  
  
There was a long, awkward pause that made Seunghyun realize that he wasn’t going to get any help in this situation at all, and now he felt really, really bad about calling at all. He sighed, and asked Daesung, “Is our conversation being recorded?”  
  
“No, they’re... giving me a break.”  
  
Before he could chicken out, he blurted out (in a whisper of course; he wouldn’t want Alex to hear this), “I think I’m in love with Alex.”  
  
“O-oh?” Daesung asked, obviously startled. Seunghyun thought he might have detected a bit of amusement when the younger man followed up with, “And why is that?”  
  
Glad that he was sort-of capable of lifting Daesung’s spirits, Seunghyun was about to go into a spiel about how perfect Alex had been this evening when he realized that bragging when a friend was feeling down was not the best idea. “Uh, well,” he faltered. “He’s really nice, for one thing...”. He thought frantically for something more. “He’s got a nice, muscular chest, and... really nice... arms.” Seunghyun buried his face in his pillow, wishing he could just die.  
  
Daesung’s warm laugh did cheer him up a little. “Wow, Hyung. And here I thought you were straight! Shame on you for not telling me! If I had known, then maybe ToDae could’ve been real!” he teased.  
  
Seunghyun chuckled. He was fully aware of Daesung’s bisexuality. He had managed to coax it out of the younger man once during their trainee days when Daesung had a crush on a fellow trainee and Seunghyun was practicing being a supportive hyung to his dongsaengs. In fact, that was probably the whole reason why Daesung was closest with him above all of the other members, even Jiyoung. It made sense to be good friends with someone who didn’t think you were a freak because of your feelings.  
  
And now that he thought about it, Seunghyun figured he could probably trust Daesung with his other secret. “Also,” he said, licking his lips that were suddenly dry, “I really like dressing as a girl.” There was silence at the other end. He continued nervously, “I mean I _really, really_ like it. If it were socially acceptable for guys to wear girl’s clothing, I’d probably do it all the time.” More silence. “Daesung-ah?” he squeaked, wondering now about how trustworthy his judgement of Daesung’s character was.  
  
The younger man finally sighed. “I don’t know what to say, Hyung.” Seunghyun’s skin grew cold in fear. “I wish the world were a more lenient place where we could be who we are, but it isn’t. I don’t want to put a damper on your feelings, but... be careful. Be careful about the women’s clothing thing as well as about Alex-sshi. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”  
  
Seunghyun breathed out a sigh of relief. “I know, Daesung-ah. I know.”  
  
There was more silence. Seunghyun figured he had provided Daesung with enough surprising information to distract him sufficiently from his own problems, so he ended the call shortly thereafter. As an afterthought, though, he sent a picture of himself in his dress to Daesung, in the hopes that he would smile.  
  
And smile he did. At least, Seunghyun thought he did. The responding text message of _‘You look amazing Hyung!’_ sounded warm and happy enough.  
  
Happier, he settled back into the thoughts of the present. Although he was still infatuated with Alex, Seunghyun’s heart had returned to a steadier pace and his body temperature was more normal. Relieved, Seunghyun pulled the covers over himself and prepared to go to sleep.  
  
He was chilly, though. He got up and walked over to the closet that he had seen Alex retrieve a blanket from. Lo and behold, there they were, and Seunghyun pulled one out. A box fell over, though, and he leaned over to pick up the few contents that had scattered to put them away.  
  
He was not prepared for what those contents were, however, and when his hand brushed against something vibrating in the darkness of the room, he jumped back and fell on the bed. He decided that having light was necessary, so he flicked on the lamp next to the bed.  
  
“Oh God,” he squeaked, feeling a bit faint as he surveyed the smattering of sex toys that had fallen out of the box, including the dildo that was buzzing happily on the floor. Swallowing heavily, he bravely walked back to the mess, and gingerly picked up the offending plastic member with shaking hands. It was easy enough to turn off, and he quickly threw the rest of the things back in the box, frustrated only when the lid of the box wouldn’t close properly during his haste.  
  
When the lid was finally on again, Seunghyun paused to get his bearings. He looked at the stamps on the lid, and managed to make out that the box had been sent from Canada. Curious, he read the name of the sender, eventually managing to put the foreign letters together and read “Uncle Phil”.  
  
“Uncle?” Seunghyun said to himself. It took him a few seconds to translate that into Korean, and once he’d done that, it took a few seconds more to remember the conversation at the hospital.  
  
 _“He’s so supportive he’s preparing to send us a frick-load of supplies to keep our sex lives very... active,”_ Alex had said. Seunghyun’s eyes widened in surprise. Alex obviously hadn’t been kidding about that, and apparently Phil was determined to ‘help out’ as quickly as possible, if the stamps denoting _‘Express Delivery’_ were anything to judge by.  
  
Seunghyun knew he had already opened the Pandora’s box, so to speak. The damage had been done; all of his efforts to keep his thoughts at a PG-13 rating or lower were futile as a barrage of new, more sensual ideas came to mind. He thought he’d be a bit more mortified when thinking about how these items were supposed to be used, and also when thinking about himself or Alex using the items specifically. His body began to heat up excitedly in a not-so-innocent manner as images of Alex and himself using the toys together floated to the surface of his mind, and he was surprised that he... _enjoyed_ the visions.  
  
Tentatively, he lifted the lid again and peered in. The toys were still in their original packaging, and Alex had obviously not been eager to open any of them. Seunghyun took hold of a one-inch wide clear wand and held it up for inspection. It looked innocent enough, and Seunghyun was betting Alex wouldn’t notice anything missing if he took it. He figured that since the package had been sent for the both of them -- _He had said ‘us’, right?_ , he wondered to himself -- and because he was finding himself so damned curious, he was allowed to take something.  
  
Even though he felt perfectly justified in taking one of the items, Seunghyun felt a knot form in his stomach. As he put things away, stuffed the wand into his backpack, and settled in the bed for some (presumably) elusive sleep, Seunghyun wondered if he would be adding yet another thing to his growing repertoire of things he liked that he probably should not ever let himself like.  
  
He hugged the pillow like it was a lifeline, and found himself really looking forward to going back to the dorm to return to normalcy. He wasn’t sure just how much more excitement and discovery he could handle.


	4. Settling Into A New Role

Seunghyun was woken the next morning by Alex singing a charming and optimistic version of Big Bang’s “Love Song” (he had no idea when Alex had found the time to rewrite the lyrics) and the best back and foot massage of his life. Then, Alex left him alone, oddly enough, so Seunghyun went back to sleep. Later that morning, Alex explained to him that since he couldn’t technically give the younger man a nap, he could allow him to sleep in as a substitute for that promise.  
  
The next time Seunghyun woke up, it was to Alex spooning him and singing another love song, this time something English and something Seunghyun didn’t recognize.  
  
The spooning bit weirded Seunghyun out, which was surprising because he had thought he’d like that sort of thing from Alex. He assumed that he felt the way he did because it was getting to be too much too soon, and there was only so much ‘being in-love’ that he could handle in such a short amount of time.  
  
 _I think I understand now how overwhelmed Shinae felt about him_ , Seunghyun thought to himself after he had hurriedly excused himself from the older man’s embrace in order to go to the bathroom.  
  
Much as Seunghyun hoped the spooning was the substitute for the hug Alex had promised him, he hoped in vain. Apparently his disheveled, sleepy appearance at the breakfast table was so cute Alex couldn’t resist cuddling up to him.  
  
“Are you like this with all of the other ‘men’?” Seunghyun snapped, feeling bitter and jealous as he asked it. “Or women?”  
  
Alex thought he was joking. “Of course not Baby! You are my one and only!” The older man gave him another squeeze.  
  
 _Fuck, I’m so whipped_ , Seunghyun thought as he felt irrationally pleased.  
  
Another bowl of cereal and many hugs later (apparently Alex was a very happy morning person), Seunghyun finally escaped the apartment for good and headed back to Big Bang’s dorm.  
  
The entire dorm was quiet, since Daesung was on his way back from his mini-honeymoon in Jeju, Seungri and Jiyoung were getting some long-needed sleep-in time, and Youngbae was who-knows-where (probably the dance studio, Seunghyun thought). By all accounts, Seunghyun should need a few days of sleep before he would be perfectly rested like an Idol never could be, especially after losing some opportunity the night before being a love-sick fool, but he felt oddly rested nonetheless.  
  
... Which was why he found himself standing at the foot of his bed surveying a small collection of dresses and other feminine articles of clothing he had bought the day before instead of sleeping some more.  
  
He was quite proud of his six (total) dresses. Byunhee was obviously more skilled with fashion sense than any of the stylists Seunghyun had ever worked with, and pretty much all of the clothes that had been picked out had both looked good on Seunghyun as well as fit him. The feeling he had gotten with each dress he tried on was that of pure giddiness. Of course, he kept himself serious for the cameras; he wouldn’t _dare_ let anyone know that he was anything other than ‘professional’ when settling into his new role.  
  
He reached out to gingerly pick up a ridiculously lacy panty when a wave of paranoia washed over him, and he went to his door and checked a fifth time to make sure it was locked. It was, but he took his desk chair and wedged it under the handle for his own peace of mind. Seunghyun also fiddled once more with the curtains, finally deciding that he would change clothes in the bathroom adjoining his bedroom instead.  
  
Finally, he was alone with his selection of clothes... and he chickened out. For the moment, anyway. In a stroke of genius (or so he thought), he decided a hot bath like the previous evening's would be just the thing to calm his nerves.

He got the bath running at full force and poured in a flowery-smelling bubble bath gel he had nabbed from Alex’s shopping spree. When the tub was finally full, he slipped himself in and allowed the warmth and other soothing qualities of the bath ease away what it could of his worries and fears about his burgeoning female identity, and he let himself be. For ten minutes he stayed like this.  
  
Then, he touched himself, both as a man and as a woman. Any time he had a scathing comment for himself about his lack of pride as a man, or the fact that he could never pass for a woman because he had not one iota of feminine curves, or whatever, he would let them pass and again let himself be. He touched his chest, fingering and appreciating the smaller curves and dips of his toned body, and digging in to the fleshier parts. He winced a bit when his hands reached his frighteningly bony hips, but again, he let that feeling pass and moved on to his legs. He didn’t know for sure why he touched himself, but he thought perhaps it was to approach the task of transformation with a sense of optimism and self-appreciation that all of the former experiences with cross-dressing had lacked.  
  
Soon, however, the touching became less of a personal mapping project, and more of a sensual discovery. Seunghyun hadn’t planned on doing this so soon, especially not after the major plummet he had taken into infatuation the night before. He was aware of the danger of allowing himself to accept his rapidly growing feelings for Alex, but one step for achieving normalcy was accepting the situation for what it was, so he used the situation at hand to justify what he was doing. So he imagined....  
  
While one hand rested lazily on his inner thigh, and while he stroked small circles with his thumb on the soft flesh, he trailed the fingers of his other hand gently along the upper part of his chest. He rested his head back on the head of the tub and simply imagined his fingers were Alex’s instead, and that the small pressures he gave himself along his neck, shoulders, and eyes were light, affectionate kisses.  
  
He caressed himself everywhere, slowly discovering his own erogenous zones -- there was a really sensitive area on the back of his knees... who knew? -- as if he were with Alex. He saved the more obviously sexual areas for last, partly out of apprehension and mostly for the tension. Finally, when his body was tingling all over, he tickled his fingers toward his hips.  
  
It was a struggle to stay silent, he found out. All of the tension he had managed to build up made him hyper-sensitive, and that combined with the fantasy of Alex was _really hot_. Seunghyun muffled his moans with two fingers shoved in his mouth. He came embarrassingly fast when he only stroked perineum and barely penetrated his anus.  
  
A second orgasm later (this time he managed to get a finger two knuckles in) and still twitching from the sensitivity overload, Seunghyun wondered why he’d never felt himself up like this before. He shook his head and smiled at his own stupidity, though, when the obvious answers of _‘self-hatred’_ and _‘low self-esteem’_ rose to the surface. The more elusive answer of _‘there was never really anyone to fantasize about before’_ also came to mind, but like the first two reasons, he let those thoughts go and let himself be.  
  
Ignoring the slight knot in his stomach, Seunghyun wrapped his arms around himself and continued to pretend he was loved and cherished, until long after the water had gone cold.


	5. Settling Into A New Role Part II

Perhaps he should have waxed his legs before the bath. Or perhaps he shouldn’t have waxed his legs at all and gone with the option of shaving instead, like he had first planned on doing. In any case, a long strip of Seunghyun’s left leg was bare of any hair, and it hurt like a _motherf*****_.  
  
He figured it was too late to stop the process, though, so he might as well see it through to the end. It didn’t occur to him until after the lower parts of his legs had been completely ripped clean that it was okay to stop one process in the middle and continue with a less painful method to finish it off.  
  
Seunghyun sighed and got out the razor. _And this is why they call me ‘bingu’_ , he thought disappointedly.  
  
Shaving was certainly less painful, except in the few cases where he nicked himself. However, shaving did mean he had to deal with the frustrating process of cleaning the blade after every swipe, since his hair was thick enough to clog it up. He also learned pretty early on that even though the drain holes in the tub are big, freshly-shaven leg hair will easily clog it up as well.  
  
Seunghyun didn’t understand why women put themselves through this arduous task. It seemed to him like a waste of time... until he got out of the tub, that is, and rinsed his legs and applied sweetly-scented lotion (complements of Juri, who was his unofficial, spur-of-the-moment mentor on all habits female) to the smooth limbs.  
  
He felt exquisite. Simply rubbing his calves together along the smooth surfaces made him feel like he was feeling up something expensive, which he immediately thought was an odd idea to have. He realized that his bath experience would have been that more awesome if he had done it _after_ shaving his legs, and he looked at the tub, contemplating whether he should fill it up with water again to see. He decided against it, though, because he really wanted to get around to trying on the panties.  
  
He had a hell of a time trying to figure out how to shave... down there, and even more of a hell of a time gathering the courage to let the blade come even remotely close to his privates. But shave he did, and apparently shaving his legs was enough practice, for there was not a drop of blood shed in the process.  
  
Seunghyun sighed in relief as he put away the razor, content to leave shaving his armpits for another day (It was winter, for crying out loud! There’s simply no need to bare his arms... yet.). Forgetting the razor almost immediately, he zoned in on the lacy dainty, and gingerly picked it up with thumb and forefinger as if it were a foreign substance.  
  
He chuckled to himself as he realized that, to him, it truly was a foreign object. Mentally slapping himself for placing so much importance on such a small, flimsy thing, he boldly took the panty in both hands and whipped it once to get the cloth untangled. He slipped it on, tucked himself in comfortably, and turned to face the mirror.  
  
The panty fit perfectly, and it made him look... attractive? He wasn’t sure. He’d need a second opinion on that. He turned around and peered at the way it clung to his bottom. _Is that what one would call a 'cute butt'?_ , he wondered. He wiggled his hips slightly. Unbidden, the memory of Jiyoung groping his butt during the ‘Samonim’ skit came, and Seunghyun snorted in laughter. He tried his hardest not to think about what it would feel like to have Alex groping his butt instead; he figured he had allowed himself to fantasize enough for one day.  
  
He turned to the next clothing item, eager to look like a woman again. The bra proved to be rather perplexing. When he couldn’t get it to snap in back, he tossed it aside. Why would he need it anyway since he didn’t have anything to fill it out with?  
  
The answer came when he put on the dress. He belatedly remembered Byunhee saying that some of the dresses, though they were in his size, needed to be filled out at the chest. The older man had also said that cross-dressers often used padded bras for this reason.  
  
So Seunghyun took off the dress and pulled out the bra again, and was five minutes into cursing the darn thing for its stupid hooks when his phone rang. He threw it aside once again, grateful for a distraction.  
  
“Seunghyunnie-oppa!” greeted the cheerful female voice on the other end of the line. The voice dropped to a quieter decibel immediately after. “I’m sorry, were you still asleep?”  
  
“No, I wasn’t.” Seunghyun wondered if it was okay for him to feel giddy about talking comfortably on the phone while wearing only his panties. He figured it wasn’t okay, but that didn’t stop him from letting out a nervous giggle anyway.  
  
“Are you feeling okay?” CL asked immediately, catching on straight away. “Or did something cool happen yesterday? Oooo! Tell me, tell me!”  
  
“Chaerin-ah!” Seunghyun scolded, not really angry. In fact, he was excited to talk with her or any other member of 2NE1 about the show. All of those girls were cool, and were more willing to take any weird news in stride than most of the Big Bang members. They were the only ones who, aside from Daesung, didn’t think being married to a man was something to be ashamed of.  
  
Needless to say, Seunghyun was grateful to have them among him. There had been other instances before now that proved to him that they were reliable and compassionate with unique viewpoints and feelings, so he felt no resistance to sharing more personal information with them. In fact, he felt inclined to act like a child and indulge in girl-chat around them more than with anyone else.  
  
He was about to let loose all of the gossip from the day before (minus any details involving him falling in love with Alex) when his phone beeped. He pulled it away momentarily to look at the screen, and saw that the battery was low and due to give out at any minute.  
  
“Uh, Chaerin-ah? My battery’s low. Can I come over to chat instead?”  
  
“Sure!”  
  
“Okay. I’ll be there in a minute or two,” Seunghyun said, ending the call.  
  
He hurriedly threw all of his girly purchases into a trunk and hid it under the bed, where he hoped none of the other Big Bang members would ever go snooping. As an afterthought, though, he pulled out one of the dresses that didn’t require a padded bra, and put it on. He had thought he would go over dressed as a man, but decided being a woman would be an amusing surprise to his dongsaengs.  
  
He threw a trench-coat over his shoulders and cautiously shuffled out of his room. Feeling like he was doing something naughty, he snuck out of the dorm and practically sprinted up the few flights of stairs to the dorm 2NE1 stayed in.  
  
CL opened the door when he knocked his secret code on the door, revealing that she was still in her Power Rangers pajamas and her hair was haphazardly pulled up to an untidy bun on top of her head. She ushered him conspiratorially into the living room, where she had piled a bunch of brightly-colored pillows and set up a small plate of snacks for their enjoyment. Seunghyun was surprised to see Minzy among the pile, since today was a school day (she currently attended college). CL informed him briefly that Minzy was not feeling her best, but she figured some ‘oppa time’ would lift her spirits. Minzy smiled sleepily at him and waved in greeting.  
  
“Won’t you sit down, Oppa?” CL asked, confused by him remaining standing at the doorway to the room.  
  
“Erm, well, I have a surprise,” Seunghyun replied, grinning evilly as he fingered the belt on his coat. CL and Minzy looked at each other, not certain their oppa was balanced mentally at the moment.  
  
Their mouths dropped open when he pulled off the coat. There was silence for a few long seconds, and Seunghyun was sure he had finally managed to break the girls, and oh god, they would never want to speak to him again because he was a freak -.  
  
CL burst out in raucous laughter, followed immediately behind with a wheezing Minzy. The maknae began a coughing fit, for which CL tried to help her out by slapping her back while clutching at her own belly at the same time.  
  
“Oh thank God!” Seunghyun breathed as his terror ebbed away.  
  
Seunghyun moved to sit with them, kneeling awkwardly because of his skirt. Then, he waited patiently for them to get over the hilarity, but chuckled with them anyway. CL crawled over, giggling, and gave him a hug -- yet another reason why he thought the girls of 2NE1 were cool: they weren’t shy or stingy with their hugs -- while Minzy thoughtfully kept him safe of her germs by tossing him a pillow and hugging her own, to indicate she was giving him a hug, too.  
  
“Oppa! Why are you like this?” CL choked out when she had some breath back. Before he could answer, she added, “You look great!”  
  
He positively beamed at the statement.  
  
His dongsaengs listened intently while he recounted the events of the previous day, inserting the appropriate reactions to the appropriate moments like the good audience that they were. He even told them about how frustrated he felt about searching for the dresses, which was not a fact he revealed in so much detail to the cameras.  
  
CL sighed dreamily as he told about Alex’s romantic gestures (he trusted them to be discreet with the information). She nudged his knee and said jokingly, “Oppa, if you don’t want him, can I have him when you’re done filming?”  
  
Seunghyun snorted disdainfully in response. “He’s too old for you!” he stated.  
  
“He’s too old for you, too!” Minzy croaked back at him. She cleared her throat before continuing, “Isn’t he, like, ten years older than you or something?”  
  
“Yeah!” CL said, lifting her chin up at Seunghyun in challenge.  
  
“ _Eeeh_ , he’s only nine years older than I,” Seunghyun defended weakly. Then he realized that he might be giving away his liking for the older man, and attempted to switch the subject.  
  
The girls weren’t easily thrown, but they did eventually latch on to the subject of his task of posing as a woman, and began to give him advice.  
  
“I have a padded bra for some of my dresses,” he informed them. Minzy choked on her tea. He bravely continued on, “I tried putting it on, but I couldn’t get it to clasp properly.” He pouted.  
  
CL narrowed her eyes conspiratorially. “Didja try clasping it in front first?” she inquired.  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Were you trying to put it together behind you?” Minzy clarified for her, gesturing.  
  
“Oh, yeah.”  
  
“Well, put the bra on backward first, so you can see what you’re doing, then turn it around pull the straps on your arm. Clasping it behind is so difficult! Especially when there’s more than one hook!”  
  
Again, Seunghyun felt like a ‘bingu’, and when CL noticed his awkwardness, she patted him on the knee again in sympathy. “Don’t worry, Oppa. We, too, would have had to learn the hard way if we didn’t have any women in our lives to teach us these things, am I right?” She turned to Minzy, who nodded supportively. “So if you have any questions, feel free to ask us, okay? You don’t have to feel worried or ashamed or any of that crap about something like this around us.”  
  
Seunghyun smiled, and nodded gratefully.  
  
His dongsaengs (as well as Bom and Dara noonas when they returned from whatever activity they had been doing) were a gold-mine of information, as well he should have known. Bom showed him how to wear high-heels and how to move his body like a woman would (“Sway those hips more!”), and Dara suggested to him to wear a butt enhancer like what she wore for Youngbae’s “I Need A Girl” music video (“Sheesh! Your butt’s flatter than mine!”). The girls even showed him how to put on pantyhose without ripping them (he’d already torn through two in his earlier attempts), starting with trimming his toenails. Then they had fun painting his toenails. Then, they had him paint his own fingernails. Then, all four of them had a go at his hair, trying things out to see what he could do himself when the need arose.  
  
He got so caught up in feeling comfortable in his new role, he forgot about how his bandmates would react when he strolled back in to their dorm late in the evening all dolled up. Seunghyun had the misfortune of having Seungri run into him first. That bastard couldn’t keep quiet about anything, and the older man found himself locking himself into his room while the irritating maknae pounded on his door, tried to force his way in, and eventually gave up and blabbed to Jiyoung and Youngbae (he had gotten back from -- surprise surprise -- dance practice _long_ ago) that Seunghyun-hyung was wearing a dress.  
  
Seunghyun frantically pulled out his phone and texted _“Where the hell are you when I need you?!”_ to Daesung.  
  
The response was almost immediate: _“In my room. Trying to keep my daughter from chewing through electrical wires.”_ Seunghyun’s eye twitched at the ‘daughter’ word, but he understood that Daesung’s situation was more dire than his.  
  
Giving up -- he knew the guys would break his door down sooner rather than later, and he didn’t want them catching him wearing only his panties and stockings -- Seunghyun yanked open his door and stood his ground even when Seungri stumbled into him. The maknae stepped back and stared at him in horror now that he got a better view of him. Jiyoung’s eyes widened and gave way to a leer that Seunghyun wasn’t sure he was comfortable with. Youngbae just blushed and tried to look somewhere else, but couldn’t.  
  
“What? Never seen a man in a dress before?” Seunghyun snapped at them all. Jiyoung snorted in laughter, and Seunghyun’s mouth twitched, wanting to join in the amusement. He was still too pissed by Seungri and Youngbae’s reactions, though, to be swayed.  
  
“Hyung! Why would you _do_ this?” Seungri asked, dismayed and with a strong hint of disgust in his voice.  
  
Seunghyun stalked slowly over to him and practically went nose to nose with him. “I’m wearing this because I’m required to for my role in WGM,” he growled. “There is nothing -- I repeat: _nothing!_ \-- wrong with me wearing a dress, and you are _not_ going to start using this as an excuse to make misogynistic or sexist comments in my presence, and you sure as _hell_ are not allowed to make degrading references to my IQ because of it, or else I swear,” he was hissing now, “ _I swear_ I’ll rip off anything that you use to identify yourself as a man, _got it?!!_ ” Seungri squeaked in a satisfactory way and defensively covered his privates.  
  
Seunghyun then whipped around to face Youngbae and pointed a finger in his face. The younger man cringed and began to sputter as Seunghyun shouted, “And _you!_ Don’t go all _shy guy_ on me because I’m giving off womanly vibes!” Youngbae nodded vigorously and sighed, obviously relieved that he wouldn’t have to be awkward around his hyung.  
  
“Jiyoung-ah!” Seunghyun growled when he heard a muffled chortle from behind him. He turned to face his leader, whose face had gone red from holding in his laughter. Thoroughly frustrated, Seunghyun simply shouted, “Wipe that fucking smirk off of your face!”  
  
And with that, he fled back to his room to calm down while the chaos outside subsided.


	6. Binglexes and Teddies and Cookies... Oh My!

“Ji, stop perving on me,” Seunghyun said when he’d finally had enough of the leader’s leering and teasing. They, along with Seungri and Youngbae, were in the van on their way to their individual schedules. Daesung and his ‘daughter’ had just been dropped off for filming at the complex that held his and Seunggi’s apartment. The younger man had been sleeping on Seunghyun’s shoulder before exiting, and once he was gone, Jiyoung had crawled into the empty space and cuddled up to Seunghyun. The older man didn’t mind this, except Jiyoung had been acting particularly greasy (more greasy than he had expected Seungri to act, in fact) all week since he had last been dressed up.  
  
Which brought him to the topic at hand.  
  
Jiyoung pouted up at him. “But Seunghyun-ah,” he whined _un_ -cutely, “I can’t ignore a beautiful chick sitting in the same car as me!” He rested his hand the older man’s thigh suggestively.  
  
Seunghyun snorted in an unladylike manner and slapped the offending hand away. “You should have been chatting up the rabbit who was sitting next to you. I’m sure you two would have made a lovely couple.” He peered over his shoulder at Seungri, who was still asleep. He chuckled, “You two could even have worked together in the fashion department, seeing as how beautifully she’s decorated our dear maknae’s sleeve with holes.”  
  
Jiyoung whipped around to look more closely at Seungri’s sleeve. He cackled quietly at the sight. “Oh, I see she doesn’t need me at all! And anyway, I prefer _older_ women, if you know what I mean.”  
  
This time, Seunghyun not only had to slap away a hand, but a face as well. “Sorry, but I’m already taken,” he said curtly.  
  
“I’m sure the viewers are all up for some love triangles and dramas,” Jiyoung persisted, giggling as the slapping turned into a tickle-war.  
  
“I’m sure they’d like that, but the only problem with your plan is that _I’m not interested in you at all_ ,” Seunghyun countered, still blocking irritatingly accurate fingers. “I’m more likely to be tempted into a love triangle with _Youngbae_ than with _you_!”  
  
Youngbae, who was attempting to sleep in the front seat, cracked an eye open at this.  
  
“Oho! Is _that_ how it is?” sniggered Jiyoung. “Alex-sshi had better watch out then!”  
  
“Uh...” Youngbae interjected feebly.  
  
Seunghyun ignored him. “I only said Youngbae would have a better chance than you, not that he could come anywhere close to winning over Alex-hyung!”  
  
“Guys?” Youngbae tried again.  
  
“Ooooo! Alex- _’hyung’_ is it? I see you two have gotten close rather quickly!” Jiyoung teased, also ignoring the younger bandmate. “At this fast rate, will we be seeing any mini-Binglexes in the near future?”  
  
Seunghyun squawked as Jiyoung’s fingers landed on a sensitive part of his tummy. “Any mini- _whatnows_?” he gasped, thinking _fuck-it_ and deciding to end the war by twisting the irritating leader’s arms.  
  
“ _Oi!_ ” Youngbae shouted uncharacteristically loudly.  
  
“ _What!_ ” both of the older men shouted back.  
  
“We’re here,” Youngbae announced. His eyes flicked down briefly when he looked at Seunghyun, and he promptly turned a certain shade of tomato and turned away quickly.  
  
Seunghyun looked down and hastily adjusted his skirt when he saw that it had ridden up too high during his struggles with Jiyoung. He ignored the leader’s smirk as he got out of the car.  
  
He had been dropped off in front of the shopping center where he would meet with Alex and they would buy some things for the Sunshine couple’s baby. It was still early enough in the morning that there were little to no other people around, so Seunghyun felt relatively safe being exposed like this. Well, as safe as one could feel with video cameras pointed at you, and who-knows-how-many-others clicking away from hidden vantage-points.  
  
He walked over cautiously to the main door. The girls of 2NE1 had done a great job of showing him how to walk in heels, but even so, he was occasionally shaky. He managed to get to the door just fine until it opened suddenly, surprising him into taking a misstep.  
  
When he opened his eyes, he could almost hear the romantic music from a cheesy K-drama playing. Alex had been the one coming out of the entryway, and had caught him in ‘swooning-princess’ fashion before he fell all the way. The older man’s face was too close, and Seunghyun could feel those frustrating butterflies in his stomach becoming agitated again because of the proximity.  
  
He broke away quickly, and because he was flustered he looked away and studiously tried to smooth out all of the imaginary wrinkles in his dress.  
  
The phone in his purse buzzed. He thanked God for more distraction from how chivalrous his husband was acting, sweetly guiding him inside to a bench so he could make sure Seunghyun hadn’t twisted his ankle or anything. Once he read the text message from Jiyoung, however, he had to bite back a curse.  
  
“Oooo, getting intimate there, I see. Naughty naughty! There will definitely be some Binglexes, mark my words! By the way, Binglex is the term that everyone shall use from now on to describe the offspring of Alex and yourself, my dear Bingu! Lol!”  
  
\---------------------------------  
  
“Something wrong?” Alex asked, noticing the subtle flash of anger by the way Seunghyun clenched his jaw.  
  
Seunghyun smoothed over his features and lied, “No.” He looked down at Alex and raised an imperious eyebrow at him, asking, “Ready to go?”  
  
 _To the ends of the earth, my dear_ , Alex’s mind supplied. He jerked back mentally and thought, _wait, did I really just think that? Aish, stupid mind of mine! I’ve seen him as a boy and as a girl! I’m not that attracted to him!_  
  
All he said was, “Sure.”  
  
Alex offered his arm to make sure Seunghyun didn’t fall again. He definitely wasn’t doing it because he wanted some skinship. Definitely not....  
  
They wandered the children’s stores and discussed gift options. Because Seunghyun had promised Kevin he’d help with setting up, he had to leave before Yunho and Junsu arrived. Before he left, though, he and Alex decided on buying a teddy bear for Yunho and Junsu’s baby.  
  
They took the stuffed animal up to the cashier to buy it and get it gift-wrapped. Before they purchased it, though, Alex noticed there was a hole in the stitching. He and the cashier agreed on finding a better-quality stuffed animal, and it wasn’t until he was pulling out his wallet that he saw that Seunghyun was looking at the teddy bear wistfully.  
  
At first glance, it looked like he was holding it absent-mindedly. There was no misunderstanding the hesitant way he put it down on the counter when they were about to leave, though. It was really endearing, Alex thought, the way Seunghyun looked at it. He looked almost like a child trying valiantly _not_ to ask for a piece of candy even though the jar had “Free Candy: Take as much as you want” written on it.  
  
“Something wrong?” Alex asked when they exited the store.  
  
Seunghyun shrugged sullenly. Then he muttered, “Just because something is born with flaws doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be loved.” It took everything in Alex’s power not to sprint back into the store right there and then.  
  
He figured that because Seunghyun had been reluctant to express any sort of desire for the bear, it meant he was also reluctant for the viewers to see that desire. He’s been asked to be married to a man and wear a dress for the remainder of his contract, for crying out loud! _The last thing he needs is for viewers to mock his maturity right now_ , Alex thought.  
  
As soon as he saw the younger man off, though, he made his way back to the store. Alex diverted the cameramen’s attention along the way, pointing out the other cast-members that needed to be filmed. He told them that if they stayed with him they wouldn’t be filming anything interesting, since he was going to the bathroom. Once they were gone, he snuck into the store and coerced the cashier into finding the defect stuffed animal and giving it to him at a reduced price. Alex asked her to gift-wrap it, but put it in a brown paper bag so it wouldn’t draw any unnecessary attention.  
  
When the cameramen found him again, he tricked them into thinking that the bag held some supplies he had spotted on his way to the bathroom, and had bought impulsively for his and Seunghyun’s new home. Alex then wandered over to other stores to search for more things, as per the director’s orders.  
  
Alex pulled out the mission card he had been handed that morning when he had arrived at the shopping center before Seunghyun. _While at the shopping center, buy some things for your new home using the money supplied. Any additional supplies will be paid for from your own wallet_ , the card said. Seunghyun was unable to be with Alex, so he had to make do on his own.  
  
Finding things to buy was easy, but limiting them to what could be afforded was difficult. Eventually, Alex found himself calling up his young husband for a final verdict. Seunghyun was surprisingly decisive about everything, which was really helpful to Alex. Alex imagined he was probably being very pesky to the younger man, what with all of the things he kept being tempted by.  
  
“Ooo! What about a toaster oven? We could use one of those...,” Alex suggested, glancing quickly at all of the prices as he passed by. He looked slightly beyond the row of appliances and was instantly distracted by rice cookers. “What size rice cooker should we get? We _definitely_ need one of these!”  
  
“No, no, no Hyung,” Seunghyun calmly replied. Alex could hear pans clacking in the background. He assumed the younger man was helping Kevin prepare the food. “Put the toaster oven on a list of things we’ll get at a later time if we still feel we need one. As for the rice cooker... that, too, can be put on the list for later, but earlier than the toaster oven. We can easily make rice in a pot, though. Go look for pots and pans! Shoo!”  
  
“Alright! Alright! So pushy,” Alex whined unconvincingly. He honestly enjoyed doing this sort of thing with someone. He couldn’t remember having so much fun shopping for house supplies since... well, since he last had a roommate in college.  
  
He passed by a display of full-size ovens on his way to the pots and pans. He knew what Seunghyun’s reply would be, but he couldn’t help but stop and admire them.  
  
“Step away from the ovens, Hyung!” Seunghyun chuckled on the other end of the line. “I’m sure there’s already one installed in our home, so you needn’t worry about that.”  
  
“Ah, but is that oven likely to be one capable of actually _baking_ things, hmmm?” Alex peered at the price of one, and nearly danced a jig over how cheap it was. Then he wondered what was wrong with it in order for it to be that cheap.  
  
He heard a tiny gasp, then Seunghyun’s voice reached him, “You mean they have western ovens? _O-oh_.”  
  
 _Wait, is he actually tempted by something like this?_ Alex wondered, surprised by how eager Seunghyun sounded. _Or is he being sarcastic?_ Alex frowned.  
  
He waited impatiently for Seunghyun’s answer. If he really was tempted by the oven... well then, Alex would have a gift worthwhile to surprise him with than a dinky, poorly-made teddy bear.  
  
Seunghyun sighed heavily. Alex could tell he was going to refuse. “I don’t think you should buy it, Hyung. Just stick with the basics, yeah?”  
  
“But, but what if it’s three in the morning and one of us has a craving for homemade cookies? Or a homemade cake?” Alex tried to insert an endearing pout into his voice.  
  
“Ah, Hyung, don’t tempt me!” Seunghyun whined back. “It’s all because of ovens like those that I used to be fat. I don’t need another one of those ovens to take me back to the dark side!”  
  
“You know how to bake?” Alex asked, pleasantly surprised. That’s it, he’s _definitely_ buying an oven with his pocket money.  
  
“Yeah, well, it used to be something my mother and I did when I was young,” Seunghyun replied shyly.  
  
“Oh? Why’d you stop doing it then? Did you move or something?”  
  
“Eh, no. My dad traded it in for the typical Korean oven that doesn’t work very well. He thought baking was a girl thing and wanted me to man up or something,” he said dismissively.  
  
Alex couldn’t be sure, but he sensed a bit of stress in Seunghyun’s voice. _Was there tension between him and his dad_ , he wondered.  
  
“So, uh, what would your dad say about... you know... how you are right now? In this show, I mean,” he asked awkwardly.  
  
“He’d probably be mad,” Seunghyun said simply. Alex still thought he heard stress, and it worried him, but he figured he was treading in dangerous territory, so he let the subject drop for the time being. He probably should have let it drop much earlier, in fact.  
  
It was enough of a worry to make him question whether he was, in fact, doing Seunghyun a disservice by buying the oven for him. It was a relief that he was such a good sport about his role in WGM at all, but Alex constantly worried that -- although Seunghyun was of a mature enough age to make his own decisions about his life -- perhaps the younger man wasn’t quite aware of just how bad things could get.  
  
But then again, Alex understood the need and temptation to take risks in life, and if Seunghyun was willing to take responsibility for continuing in the show this way, then so be it.  
  
That, and he really just wanted to get a taste of Seunghyun’s baking skills.  
  
So he bought the oven, fully prepared to step in and take the blame for ‘forcing’ Seunghyun to do girly things that would make others, including family, upset.


	7. Perfectionism

_In Joonvin and Sunshine Couples’ rooftop home, about half an hour before the mother-to-be’s arrival..._  
  
“You remembered to get an extra present in case Daesung and Seunggi forgot to get something, right?” Seunghyun asked while transferring a pot of some boiling hot liquid to a coaster on the counter.  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“And did you bring the last minute groceries up?”  
  
“Yep.” Alex held up the bag of tomatoes, carrots, and cucumber for Seunghyun’s inspection. The younger man took them over to another counter where a salad was in the making. “Can I help with anything?” Alex asked.  
  
Seunghyun was speechless and gestured at everything that was going on in the kitchen. Alex smiled. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”  
  
Seunghyun, Alex found out, was really uncomfortable with taking on the manager’s role. He could see it in the anxious way he fretted about everything now that Alex was there helping him. Alex supposed he’d had a plan for how to accomplish his tasks beforehand, and Alex’s presence was messing things up. He tried not to get in the way, but inevitably they collided a few times. Once he realized he was feeling perverse pleasure in seeing the younger man flustered (a blushing Seunghyun was an adorable Seunghyun, apparently), Alex realized some mercy was called for.  
  
So he took over.  
  
“I’ll tell you what: you take care of the salad, and I’ll do the hot stuff,” he said after one collision nearly got him singed with a frying pan and Seunghyun almost cut with a knife. The younger man nodded breathlessly, grateful to have only one portion of the meal to worry about instead of a bunch of hot dishes.  
  
The kitchen calmed down a lot after that, and Alex settled into his happy zone. His fantasies of domestic married life were the same as a stereotypical woman’s idea of what married life was like, and this small moment of time reflected his version accurately... except for the minor detail that his spouse was not a woman. He and his husband were working harmoniously together in the kitchen, humming a tune together (yes, Seunghyun was actually indulging him and humming along!), laughing at jokes... a perfect moment.  
  
The moment was made even more special with the arrival of Lily, who was hungry and wanted a snack.  
  
“Eh... Do you mind?” Yesung asked, asking in gestures if the pair of them could watch her for a few minutes while he helped elsewhere. Alex looked over at Seunghyun. The younger man shrugged in response, so Alex took that as an okay to say ‘yes’.  
  
“Hello Lily,” Alex cooed as he approached her at the dining table. While he acquainted himself with little girl, he helped her get situated into a chair and put a napkin over her chest so she wouldn’t mess up her pretty new dress. He was about to turn and find some food for her to nibble on, but then Seunghyun came over with a small bowl of chopped honeydew and watermelon.  
  
 _Thank you_ , Alex mouthed to the younger man, and continued to keep Lily’s attention with conversation. “Uncle Seunghyun brought you a snack. Can you say ‘thank you, Seunghyun-ahjusshi’?” he asked Lily.  
  
She nodded shyly and mumbled, “Thank you, Seunghyunnie-ahjusshi.”  
  
Seunghyun, equally shyly, mumbled back, “You’re welcome, Lily-ah.”  
  
Even though Seunghyun ducked his head away, Alex didn’t miss the blinding smile he was trying hard to hide. He didn’t understand why he would want to hide himself, as if he would be punished somehow for being happy. After pondering it for a few minutes, Alex stored it away in his mind as something to think about later when he wasn’t in front of a camera and expected to be entertaining for an audience.  
  
For one small moment, however, it occurred to him that perhaps Seunghyun hid himself because he was _too aware_ of the public’s presence, so he assumed a stoic facade to protect him from all of the outside opinions.  
  
Little did Alex realize, though, that his theory was mostly true.  
  
\--------------------------------  
  
Seunghyun took a deep breath and willed his hands to stop shaking. Thankfully, all of the cutting was done. Now all he had to do was assemble the salad.  
  
It was a wonder that such a small thing as a child’s attention could throw him so off balance. He was aware of why he felt a sudden surge of panic, though. It happened every time he was near children, and more so now that he was partially responsible for the image of one in such a public setting.  
  
A lot of his anxiety came from thinking about what the fans would do about the children. He didn’t understand why the director thought having kids on this show was a very good idea. Many of the cast members were Idols, and some fans of these Idols were batshit _crazy_. There was bound to be a _sasaeng_ out there who was clever enough to see that any child their Idol interacted with was a perfect target to aim for in terms of gaining their Idol’s attention. All they had to do was start doing something creepy-stalkerish to the child, and -- voila! -- they would finally be noticed.  
  
And worse of all, how they would plan to use the child to their benefit could really scare the child and do some mental damage. No child should ever have to suffer that. _Ever._  
  
Children were vulnerable, and Seunghyun was going to be very careful not to show any interest in them for fear that his _sasaeng_ would target them. He didn’t think he would ever be able to forgive himself if any harm should come to a child because of him, or -- more accurately -- because of one of his so-called fans.  
  
So he did his best to try and ignore the sweet presence that was Lily. The fact that he had smiled because of her was enough to get the awful images rolling, making him sick to his stomach. He was going to have to ask the director to edit that part out, just to be on the safe side. Then again, there really was no safe side for Lily, since both Onew and Yesung also had plenty of crazy fans of their own.  
  
Another big chunk of his habitual panic about children was more personal, and was due to his experience as a child growing up in a family that was very conscious of outside opinion.  
  
Seunghyun glowered at the sliced tomatoes in front of him, reliving an awful memory (one of many) involving his father’s disapproval and punishment for not living up to his unforgiving standards. Usually, he was able to keep these memories bottled up, but sometimes -- much like his burgeoning feelings for Alex and his worries about children in general -- they spun out of his control.  
  
He hadn’t had a happy childhood, and things hadn’t really improved by now, although Seunghyun will always be grateful that he didn’t live with his father anymore. Things were stable, and it was partially due to the fact that Seunghyun was almost always being watched that kept his father from attacking him at the present time.  
  
He could just imagine, though, what his father would say about the entire WGM thing. It was ironic how much his father had been right all these years, that Seunghyun could hardly be called a man. Even as a child he’d liked girly things, from baking to sewing to who knows what else had he been given the chance. And now, he was being given a chance. His father would hate him for it, and it might just bring him out of hiding to do something bad.  
  
Seunghyun was ready for him. Or at least he thought he was. At the same time, he was fucking terrified.  
  
So what exactly was he afraid of? Was he afraid of becoming like his father? No. Was he afraid that his insecurities about himself would get in the way of being a good father someday? Very much so. Was he afraid that he himself was too much of a publicly known figure that his child would never be able to have a normal childhood, and would later blame him for a fucked up life? Without a doubt. In his opinion, the only direction a child’s well-being could go when around him was down, down, down. Did he think his own fascination with being feminine was healthy, and would he feel okay with being open about such things with his child?  
  
Now _there_ was a tricky question. If his child were to express interest in working against submitting to gender stereotypes, Seunghyun would encourage it wholeheartedly. But how was he to teach his child to express those qualities without getting hurt by others because of it? Would Seunghyun just end up teaching his child to express their personality honestly to a limited few, or would he be able to give them the courage necessary to be free?  
  
He sighed and shook his head, very much unsure of himself as always. Warm arms wrapped around his waist, and he was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice this for a full minute until Alex spoke.  
  
“Something on your mind, Seunghyun-ah?” he asked in a soft voice.  
  
Seunghyun gave a little jump, not only surprised by the sudden sound by his ear, but by the warmth blowing across his ear because of it. It tingled a bit, but mostly it warmed his whole body. For once, Alex’s touch was not an overwhelming, lust-filled temptation, but a calm and satisfying influence.  
  
Seunghyun suddenly felt very tired, as if all of his life had been wasted running around in circles and he had finally found the place where he belonged.  
  
“Um,” Seunghyun said, distracted, trying to snap back to reality. He looked down at his hands and the salad bowl and realized that he had long since finished making the salad, and he had probably been frozen in the same spot for far too long. This would not do. He was on a reality show, for crying out loud. He was supposed to be working, thinking of ways to be entertaining, not being idle and daydreaming.  
  
He shifted and looked around, noticing Lily was no longer there. “Where’s Lily?” he asked.  
  
Alex sighed and rested his chin on Seunghyun’s shoulder. Okay, so maybe his feelings weren’t quite as platonic as he’d hoped, if the sudden spike in Seunghyun’s heart rate was anything to go by. He’d forgotten all about his question from a moment ago when Alex answered, “Other people saw her and wanted her attention, so they took her away from us.” The older man tilted his head to get a better view of Seunghyun’s face. “Should I have held on to her tighter? You didn’t exactly get much of a chance to enjoy her company.”  
  
“No, no. That’s fine,” Seunghyun dismissed airily, pretending to be uninterested.  
  
“So what were you thinking about?” Alex asked as he walked back to the skillets to check up on the food that had been frying.  
  
Seunghyun decided to answer truthfully. “Kids.”  
  
Alex’s eyes lit up. Seunghyun took that to be a dangerous sign, only enforced when Alex asked him hopefully, “Hey, do you think maybe we could... y’know,... have a child of our own on this show?”  
  
Seunghyun’s heart sunk. He would love to have a child with Alex, especially in real life if that were even remotely possible, but..., “No.”  
  
“No? Why not?” He hated the crestfallen look on the older man’s face. He really wanted to say ‘Just kidding’, but that just wouldn’t do.  
  
He shifted uncomfortably on his feet as he considered his answer. He finally went with, “I’m just not ready to be a father yet, Hyung. I’m sorry.”  
  
Alex didn’t press any further, to his relief. But Seunghyun could also see that he wasn’t satisfied with the answer, either.


	8. A Father in Search of a Child

_At the Sunshine Couple’s baby shower, shortly after Junsu finished opening his presents...._  
  
“Hey _Baby_ , care for a _baby_ tomato?” Alex teased, waving the toothpick with a baby tomato stuck to it.  
  
Seunghyun wrinkled his nose and counted out the coins for the piggy bank. “No, thank you,” he replied prissily before informing him, “If you say that word too many times, we won’t have much money left for any other things we’ll need for our home, you know.”  
  
“Whatever you say, _Baby_ ,” Alex winked at him, liking the way Seunghyun tried again to school his amusement to something more akin to disdain, and failed. His lips tightened into a thin line, but the smile was still there all the same.  
  
Seunghyun grabbed at a coin that Alex tried unsuccessfully to take away from him. The younger man got up quickly, and Alex realized belatedly that he was staring at his retreating form. Perhaps it was because of the enticing way his hips swung... or perhaps it was the way the skirt clung to his thin hips... or perhaps it was both. Either way, Alex was staring, and he needed to stop now or else people would _really_ think he was gay.  
  
Not that he would mind, of course. If he were to think positively about such things, it would mean women might finally take the hint and leave him alone. Then again, it might also mean the door would open to a few men who may want to get into his pants, or something.  
  
His mind wandered back to Seunghyun’s ass, embarrassingly enough. It looked so small, and yet, surprisingly well-rounded. It was exactly the type of ass he liked in a romantic partner....  
  
Alex suppressed a groan as he realized his thoughts were spiraling into the gutter again. He’d been fine after Seunghyun had been dressed as a guy after last week’s filming, but then he had to be exposed to this... this... this _beauty_ again and he couldn’t help but think indecent thoughts.  
  
And this time, while he was mentally stripping Seunghyun, the male stuff attracted him almost as much as the female stuff. He began to realize that this could lead into something more serious than he was prepared for, and he was becoming afraid of how much he was obsessing like a teenage boy.  
  
His disturbing thoughts were distracted when there was a pause in filming and Seunghyun unexpectedly went over to Junsu -- who was sitting with Lily sleeping against his belly -- and offered to switch places with him for a while. This perplexed Alex, because this would be a perfect moment for Seunghyun to be filmed with a child, and all of the cameramen were changing their film! As surreptitiously as he could, Alex pulled his phone out, set it to the video function, and hit ‘record’.  
  
Nothing exciting happened while he was filming, exactly. Seunghyun just sat there, petting the little girl’s hair and watching her sleep. There was a brief moment where Seunghyun’s face flushed, and his eyes sparkled a bit, but otherwise there was no change to his expression. It was so subtle, the change was, that Alex found himself looking back at the film to see if he had just imagined it or if it was real.  
  
Unfortunately for him, the image was so pixellated, he couldn’t really see the small details. But at least the major ones stood out.  
  
 _Maybe it’s a good thing that Seunghyun doesn’t want kids_ , Alex thought to himself. He sighed. _It would be better for me to let my feelings for him remain shallow, I suppose. It would be better for my plans this way...._  
  
He could understand Seunghyun’s feelings, or so he thought. Seunghyun was in the prime of his life, and it was normal for people to want to wait a while before having children of their own. But Alex was in his _thirties_ , and _unmarried_ (outside of the show, that is) and unlikely to have kids any time soon. Figuratively speaking, his biological clock was ticking, and he worried that waiting too much longer would mean that, should he have kids at all, he may not live long enough to see his grandkids grow up.  
  
This thought depressed him.  
  
Before his parents had urged him to do the show again or go on blind dates, Alex had already had a rather viable plan for having children. Secretly, he’d done extensive research about adoption. He’d gone to a few adoption homes under the pretext of doing charity work, but in reality he was talking with the kids, seeing if any of them connected with him and he with them. He hadn’t found a child to commit to, but he felt good about the idea.  
  
Then his parents called him and told him of their new plans for him, and he knew from their tone of voice that they wouldn’t budge about their decision. Still in the fresh, early stages of deciding he wanted to be a dad by adoption, he came to realize that if he could choose, he’d rather be a dad than a husband at this point in his life. So instead of going for the more serious option of matchmaking, he went for the temporary WGM option. He was sure that if he had gone with the matchmaking option, finding someone who wanted to have kids right away would be unlikely (his parents liked younger, career-minded women, he knew), and finding someone who would be willing to adopt a child would be nearly impossible since Korean society really valued blood-relations.  
  
WGM provided him with the opportunity to enjoy the idea of being in a relationship without committing to it, and therefore he could continue with his plan to adopt if he wanted to. Hell, he’d even asked PD Na about Lily just in case she was an orphan or a person who needed a committed parent. Unsurprisingly, though, she had loving, living, committed parents. The director even informed him that, while having children from orphanages on the show was a nice, charitable idea, there were too many ways they could get harmed by the media exposure, no matter how good the show’s intentions were. Lily came from a stable household that could give her the support and protection she’d need for any issues.  
  
It hadn’t occurred to him before that media exposure could be harmful to a child. It was even more inconceivable that there would even be _anti-fans_ of children. Who on earth would _want_ to hurt a child?  
  
He shook his head, giving up early on trying to understand anti-fans. It gave him a headache, and he didn’t think he really wanted to understand.  
  
\-----------------------------  
  
He felt the sofa dip as Seunghyun sat down next to him again. Filming had resumed, and Onew and Yesung had long since escorted Lily to an empty bedroom to continue her nap. Alex watched as Seunghyun and Daesung had an animated conversation about Seunggi’s sleeves... or maybe it was Seungri’s.... Either way, Alex wasn’t paying attention to their conversation. He was immediately consumed with another dilemma entirely.  
  
 _Should I tell Seunghyun of my plans for adopting a child, or is my personal life not any of his business?_ Alex reminded himself that, while his feelings for Seunghyun were dangerously in the infatuation zone, the younger man most likely didn’t feel the same way for him. It would be silly to burden him with something he shouldn’t have to worry about.  
  
Then again, it was a big deal, adopting a child, and Alex was going to have to come out with it some day. Hell, he hadn’t even told his parents what he wanted to do, even though he knew they’d probably support him wholeheartedly. But the idea of adopting was still very fresh and dear to him, and any criticism, positive or otherwise, was enough to keep him quiet for now.  
  
In terms of telling Seunghyun, Alex supposed the real question would be when was he going to actually achieve his goal, and would he still be participating in WGM by the time he found a child to adopt?  
  
It was then that he decided that if he found a child during their time filming together, he would tell Seunghyun. If not, then he’d keep it a secret and let the world know when he was good and ready.


	9. Innocence Untouched

When the director had called a pause to filming, Seunghyun finally allowed himself to obey the niggling suggestion to show Lily some affection. Fortunately for him, she was asleep, and therefore would have no memory of him, and therefore would not form any sort of attachment whatsoever.  
  
There was a smaller part of his thoughts that said something along the lines of _You’re taking yourself way too seriously. If anyone’s got to be worried about forming attachments that could have any impact on her life, its should be Yesung and Onew, not you._ ... But he ignored that thought. One couldn’t be _too_ careful in this business.  
  
As he looked down on her sleeping face, the angle at which he viewed her made her look uncannily like his older sister, Hyeyoon.  
  
Seunghyun’s mind was still consumed by memories of his childhood, but as he watched Lily sleep, he managed to think of happy times with his sister. Well, those times were as happy as they could have been considering the circumstances.  
  
Whenever his dad punished him for... well, for doing girly things, ironically enough, Seunghyun remembered his sister was often there for him afterward.  
  
The first time was when he was about seven. He had been helping his mom bake in the kitchen, and his dad, who was drunk like he always was, came in and started yelling at her for turning his son into a woman, doing frivolous girly things like baking when he should be learning to be a proper young man.  
  
If Seunghyun recalled correctly, his mom may have said something like ‘Well, if you want him to be a proper young man, maybe you should be home more often and stop counting on a woman to be doing your job!’  
  
Seunghyun shook his head. Nah, that couldn’t be it. His mom was a scared and skittish person, there’s no way that memory was right.  
  
Anyhow, after she said whatever it was she said, his dad had slapped her. The moments proceeding from that point were more clearly memorable to Seunghyun.  
  
 _“Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking, woman!” his father had bellowed while slapping her hard. Seunghyun flinched in his place of punishment in the kitchen, where he had been instructed to kneel with his arms above his head. He was only seven, but he had experienced this sort of punishment often enough already to have built a tolerance for the numbness to some extent. Everything became more painful, though, when he saw that his mom was also experiencing pain._  
  
 _The shock Seunghyun experienced of his dad barreling over to his stuttering, terrified mother and slapping her repeatedly with the flat of his hand was so intense, Seunghyun was almost sure his mind was playing the scene on repeat. He was so shocked, he didn’t even see his dad come to him until he was being pulled to his feet by the neck of his shirt._  
  
 _“No! No, Jagiya! It’s my fault, not his! Please!” his mother begged, realizing her mistake and clutching at her husband while he dragged an increasingly scared boy to the boy’s bedroom._  
  
 _Seunghyun dropped to his knees as soon as they were in his room, willing to be obedient to anything if it meant his father would leave him and his mom alone sooner._  
  
 _Alas, it was not meant to be._  
  
 _“Get up, boy. On your feet!” his dad ordered while his mom banged on the door, begging him not to hurt Seunghyun further. From what Seunghyun could see, though, this only egged his father on and let him know he had an audience that gave a shit about what he did or did not do. “He wouldn’t have to be punished if you had been more strict with him!” he yelled at his wife. “As it is, I’m going to have to beat the woman out of him!”_  
  
 _And with that, he took out his belt and gave Seunghyun the hardest whipping behind the knees he had ever received in his life._  
  
 _Seunghyun has learned to think back on that memory and memories of subsequent beatings with cold indifference, which helped him cope with life even though it was shitty. The only people that had the power to sharpen the pain, ironically, were his mother and sister, even if they had intended to comfort only._  
  
\-------------------------  
  
Seunghyun could feel his face flush and tears rise to the surface all because of the simple act of remembering how it feels to be loved in the most horrible of conditions. He swallowed heavily, willing the tears and emotional pain away to focus simply on love. Lily didn’t need to be burdened by his moodiness even in her sleep.  
  
\-------------------------  
  
 _His sister was better about expressing only love than his mother. For his mom, his beatings always inspired a kind of crazed fear along with his mother’s reassurances. Hyeyoon-noona somehow knew how to take the fear out of the situation, and consequently make Seunghyun feel at peace._  
  
 _That night, after Seunghyun had been ‘taught’ that learning to cook and bake was not something that he -- as a man and the future patriarch of the Choi household -- was allowed to do for fear of shaming the family, he lay in bed crying silently, still unaccustomed to the pain. His mother had been forbidden to see him or tend to his wounds, and not having her around hurt him more than any physical pain. When his father had been angry at him before, his mother always came to him with hugs, tears, and panicked whispers of “You’re a good boy, Seunghyun-ah. So good, so brave.” This time, though, he was alone._  
  
 _Until his sister snuck in sometime in the middle of the night, that is. It was the first time she had ever taken the place of his mother, and he half suspected his mom had told her to go to his room and take care of him while she distracted his dad. He remembered not knowing what to make of her presence, and being so surprised he stopped crying to just stare at her hovering over him._  
  
 _“Turn over,” she said in her cold and impassive voice._  
  
 _“W-huh? Why?” he squeaked back, afraid she might hurt him like his dad had. He and Hyeyoon were siblings, but that didn’t mean they were close. Until this point in their lives, they hadn’t really managed to connect at all._  
  
 _She held up a bottle of rubbing alcohol and some bandages. “You’re bleeding all over your sheets.”_  
  
 _He looked down. Indeed he was bleeding all over his sheets._  
  
 _Timidly, he turned onto his stomach and waited. When she started rubbing the stuff on, he couldn’t help but whimper a bit in pain. She stopped almost immediately, but the pain was so intense it felt like her hands were still on him._  
  
 _“Shhhh, it’s okay Seunghyun-ah, shhh...”, she whispered, rubbing his back gently. When she knew he was able to muffle his voice enough so that their dad wouldn’t hear, she continued._  
  
 _It was her lack of tears that kept him distracted from most of the pain. When she was done bandaging him up, he even asked her why she wasn’t crying like Mom did every time she had to take care of him._  
  
 _“Because it’s not my fault,” Hyeyoon replied simply._  
  
\-------------------------  
  
Lily shifted a little in her sleep. Seunghyun flattened his hand on her head and smoothed over her hair. It seemed to work at calming her down. Thinking back on it, his sister did this to him after that night, so many years ago. He wondered if she saw in him what he saw in Lily: innocence. It was strange to think that, in conditions so harsh, that he was ever innocent. Then again it was impossible to look at a child and think them anything _but_ innocent.  
  
Thinking back on it..., his sister was innocent. Naive, no. Definitely innocent, though. Perhaps he was, too....  
  
\-------------------------  
  
 _It took him weeks... months before he understood what Hyeyoon had meant about not taking fault. As the ‘disciplining’ he got from his father still happened, he saw less and less of his mother afterward and more and more of his sister. He came to see that the guilt in his mother’s eyes was not only because she had to turn away every time he was here, but it was also because she blamed herself for Seunghyun’s pain, and felt helpless to stop it._  
  
 _“She turns away so that you don’t get hurt more because of her. She’s okay with Dad hurting her, but now that she made him really angry, he’s hurting you a lot, too. She hopes that by ignoring you she can show Dad that hurting you is pointless, see?” Hyeyoon explained to him as they walked together to school a few months later. They had grown closer in the past few months than they had in his first seven years of life, and were now talking more comfortably with each other. He learned that his sister was a very philosophical thinker in addition to being good in academics. Not being a deep thinker himself, though, he didn’t always understand what she was saying, but he was getting there._  
  
 _He did understand fully when he and Hyeyoon were laughing too loudly over homework one day, and Dad came home early. Dad made Hyeyoon stand aside and watch while he slapped the back of Seunghyun’s knees, verbally blaming her much like he did with their mom._  
  
 _That was the first time Seunghyun felt the guilt that his mom surely felt and his sister most definitely felt. Although he was the one being beaten, he could still see the fear, frustration, and anger beyond his sister’s impassive expression, and he was very much aware now of how the events he was a part of, but could not control, affected the others in his life._  
  
\-------------------------  
  
“TOP-gun?”  
  
Seunghyun blinked and looked up from Lily’s still sleeping form. It was Yesung.  
  
“Kevin and Hyung Joon are allowing us to use their bed for Lily, so I’ll go ahead and take her now, okay?”  
  
Seunghyun nodded. He was reluctant to let her go.  
  
\-------------------------  
  
 _A month ago...._  
  
 _“Seunghyun-ah, I worry about you sometimes,” his sister told him during one of their rare moments together._  
  
 _“Why’s that?”_  
  
 _She pursed her lips in thought. “Because you had to keep yourself in check so often back then, and you still do now. Don’t you ever get to just... be?” she asked finally._  
  
 _Seunghyun smiled softly at her. He swung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in for a tight hug. “Ayyy, noona! Don’t you know? Big Bang is the best thing that could ever have happened to me! It got me away from Dad in one swift motion, unlike you or Mom.” He gave her an apologetic squeeze._  
  
 _“Hey!” She punched him softly in the stomach. “My method of getting out wasn’t all that bad! I fell in love with an officer who had connections to help keep Dad in line!”_  
  
 _“Yeah, but it means you still have to see Dad.”_  
  
 _“True, but he’s not all that bad now.”_  
  
 _Seunghyun snorted._  
  
 _“Anyhow, speaking of my husband, you still owe him an apology for last year,” she reminded him, just like she did every time they met now._  
  
 _Seunghyun rolled his eyes and tried not to laugh at the memory. “Ugh, really Noona? Y’know, for someone who doesn’t want him to have to remember that incident, you sure bring it up often.”_  
  
 _Hyeyoon had gotten married over a year ago. While the man she married seemed like a decent fellow on the outside, Seunghyun’s paranoia that she may accidentally marry someone like their dad took him over a bit. He hadn’t paid enough attention to her personal life while living his own, so he hadn’t even noticed that she was dating. So, being the overprotective brother that he was when he was paying attention, Seunghyun made up for lost time by barging in on them at random moments, catching them with their guard down, so to speak._  
  
 _The last time he did that was, admittedly, crossing the line. He had fabricated an emergency situation in which he needed to get into their apartment right now, and once his brother-in-law let him in, he barged past him and did a thorough inspection of their apartment, starting with the bedroom where Hyeyoon hopefully was._  
  
 _Hoo-boy was that a mistake. Hyeyoon had slapped him around plenty enough for that blunder. Then again, it was proof enough that his sister was being treated well. Having breakfast in bed with one’s husband after (presumably) making love with him all night and sleeping in until noon did not seem bad at all._  
  
 _“Hmf! Still, it’s scarred him for life. He’s still paranoid you’ll come in for a surprise check-up. It’s hard enough to convince him that morning, after-sex cuddles are okay.” She pouted, glaring daggers at him._  
  
 _“Alright! Alright,” Seunghyun conceded in defeat. “I’ll apologize to him and promise I’ll give fair warning in the future.” He chucked her chin in a friendly manner. “I just needed to know that you were in good hands, that’s all.”_  
  
 _She smiled and came back in for another hug. “Aigoo, my little Seunghyunnie... I’m so blessed to have a brother like you.”_  
  
 _They stayed that way until she remembered what she had been talking about before getting sidetracked. “But I still worry about you,” she told him solemnly. “I have my husband to whom I can express myself without fear, but who do you have? Call me a meddlesome noona, but you really need to find someone outside of us or Big Bang to open up to. It’s not good to control yourself all the time, Seunghyunnie. Love needs to be expressed, and I really hope you’ll find someone...”._  
  
 _“Meddlesome Noona,” Seunghyun called her obediently._  
  
 _She smacked him up the backside of his head._  
  
\-------------------------  
  
“Penny for your thoughts?” Alex asked.  
  
Seunghyun looked up to see his husband sitting down next to him. He then looked around, and saw that they were filming again. Kevin was in the process of preparing everyone for a game, one involving toilet paper, it seemed.  
  
He looked back at his husband. He was still looking at Seunghyun interestedly, hoping for an answer.  
  
 _‘Love needs to be expressed...’._  
  
Seunghyun thought for a moment, eyebrows drawn together. Then, he decided.  
  
“Nothing,” he replied. He hooked an arm in with Alex’s, and curled up to cuddle in his side. He hoped this was enough of an expression of love, because it was _really_ hard to let go and, like his sister had said, let himself be.  
  
Alex rested his head on top of Seunghyun's, so Seunghyun assumed he had done well enough.


	10. Coincidence?

_Later that day, after the baby shower...._  
  
Seunghyun’s phone rang as they drove away from the now finished baby shower and toward their new home. He checked the caller ID and promptly put the phone back in his purse.  
  
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Alex asked.  
  
Seunghyun flicked a quick glance at the camera duct-taped to the dashboard of the car and answered tersely, “Real family matters shouldn’t be taken care of in front of an audience.”  
  
“Ah,” Alex replied in understanding. “So you hadn’t told your family yet?”  
  
 _That would be an understatement_ , Seunghyun thought to himself, feeling queasy at the thought. He’d been feeling ill since before the first episode aired two hours ago. He had no idea what to expect from his dad, but it probably wouldn’t be good. At least he had his sister on his side. Her text from this morning saying _‘Mom will be at my house this evening, so don’t worry’_ did a lot to allay his fears.  
  
Seunghyun hadn’t been thinking about his parents’ reactions when he decided to continue with the show because it had been a long time since he had interacted with either of them. The last time Seunghyun had spoken at length with his mom was to discuss the possibility of her moving in with him in the villa he had bought a few years ago. The problem with his mom, though, was that while she was unhappy living and being married to his dad, she lacked the courage to actually _leave_. Either that, or his dad was threatening her in some way. Seunghyun didn’t know what it could be, but he strongly suspected the latter was the case. It was hard to know when his mom had expressly instructed him to stay away as much as he could, to protect himself from family issues.  
  
At any rate, Seunghyun hoped his slip of attention when it came to telling his family recent news would be a blessing in disguise, and be the catalyst for his mom to finally be free of his dad.  
  
The question was, though, would he be able to get his mom out of his dad’s clutches unscathed, even though she was with Hyeyoon at this very moment? His dad was bound to explode, and the media would have a field day if the news got out about the Choi family’s issues.  
  
Hell, Seunghyun was almost counting on the media finding out. All he’d have to do is make sure his dad doesn’t deceive them about who is the victim of who, and if the cards were played right, then his dad would be out of the picture entirely, and everyone else could finally get on with their lives.  
  
But at the moment, Seunghyun needed to make sure his mom was okay. He pulled out his phone again and texted Hyeyoon, asking her for a status update. The response he got was somewhat promising: his mom was currently having a panic attack at Hyeyoon’s home instead of wandering somewhere in Seoul trying to get back home to calm Dad down. Hyeyoon’s husband, being a law enforcement officer, was keeping an eye on their home at that very moment, making sure Seunghyun’s dad didn’t blow his top and kill a sasaeng or two that was no doubt camping outside of their home.  
  
Hyeyoon also warned him not to answer the phone when Mom called, since she’d probably yell at him so loud the cameras would hear.  
  
The phone rang again, and again it was a call from his mom. He muted the phone and tried to ignore its presence for the duration of the trip. For a while, the only voice that was heard in the car was the voice of the GPS lady directing Alex to their home.  
  
\-------------------------  
  
Eventually, the scenery began to look familiar.  
  
“Huh.” Seunghyun squinted curiously into the dark night. Yep, he definitely remembered that building.  
  
“Hm? What?” Alex asked.  
  
“I used to live around here,” Seunghyun replied, leaning back into his seat.  
  
“Really?” Alex looked around interestedly, but he couldn’t really see much in the darkness.  
  
“Yeah. I bought a really expensive villa for me and my m-, er, me and my parents to live in.”  
  
“So what happened? Did they kick you out or something?”  
  
“No. It seemed they were perfectly happy where they were, so I had done a useless thing in buying the house for them,” Seunghyun said wistfully. “I kept the home for a while and even had the other Big Bang members stay over for a month, but of course it was excessive for me to own it when there was no purpose for it any more. So I sold it.”  
  
The GPS lady gave Alex another instruction. Curious, Seunghyun leaned over and tapped a button on the screen to see the destination PD Na had entered in.  
  
He sat back in surprise. “No way,” he breathed.  
  
“What? What is it?” Alex asked, bewildered.  
  
Seunghyun stared at the screen dumbly before answering, “I think Na rented that house for us.”  
  
“Really?” Alex spared a glance at the dot. “Are you sure?”  
  
“It’s in the same complex anyway,” Seunghyun mumbled, thinking back. He had actually mentioned to Na where the villa was located during their interview before the pairing selection, and he was getting a sneaking suspicion that Na really had rigged the housing arrangement like Seunggi had accused him of doing.  
  
They pulled into the entryway for the villa complex and checked in with the security guard at the gate. It was the same guy that had been there years before when Seunghyun had lived there. He laughed when he saw Seunghyun in a dress.  
  
“If I didn’t know any better, Mr. Choi, I could’ve sworn you were a beautiful young lady!” he guffawed. _Nosy bastard_ , Seunghyun thought unhappily. He really hated being teased about his cross-dressing role as if it was something to be ashamed of.  
  
He shook off the anger, reminding himself not to let the outside world get to him. Alex seemed to sense some of his irritation, because he said, “Hey, at least he recognizes a hottie when he sees one,” hoping to make Seunghyun smile.  
  
Surprisingly, it worked. Seunghyun had been trying hard not to let it show that Alex’s flattery had an effect on him, but darn it, that man _had_ to be _insufferably_ charming all the time!  
  
The villa came into view, and Seunghyun found himself holding his breath as they approached it. It was beautiful, and he had really hoped to build a normal, happy family life while living there. But now all he remembered of the place was loneliness. It was far too big for one person, better for two people, but just right for a family.  
  
Too bad he couldn’t have at least convinced his siblings to keep the house. He sighed.  
  
They drove by the driveway, and Seunghyun’s eyebrow quirked in surprise. He did a double take between the villa he had once owned and the GPS machine directing them to one further down the road. Craning his neck to look back, he could see a car parked around the curve of the driveway.  
  
“Was that the place you used to live in?” Alex asked.  
  
“Yeah. I think that might be G.O.-sshi and Juri-noona’s home now, though. Na-sajangnim said they would be living in the same area as us, and that looked like Juri-noona’s car...”.  
  
They continued along the winding road, heading steadily toward the last house in view. Seunghyun’s anticipation grew. In a way, he was sad they wouldn’t be living in the villa he had once owned, but on the other hand, he wouldn’t want to impose the sad memories of that time to his current family time (however fake) with Alex.  
  
Also, the last house was right next door (relatively speaking) to the sweetest elderly couple Seunghyun had ever been blessed to meet.  
  
Again, he was surprised when they drove by the house and onto the gravel road heading into the grove of trees where the elderly couple lived.  
  
 _Were they not there still?_ Seunghyun’s eyebrows pressed toward each other in concern. _Had they moved away to a retirement home or something? Had they passed on? What was going on?_  
  
It came as little relief as they parked in front of the house that the lights were on. Alex was obviously confused, because he was tapping the screen of the GPS monitor, trying to make sense of it all. But apparently they were in the right place, because a cameraman was already waiting for them outside.  
  
They stepped out of the car and made their way to the front door. Just as they were approaching the threshold, the door banged open and a small boy blurred by at a high speed.  
  
“Taedi-yah! You get back here right this instant!” a shrill female voice screamed out at him from within, among other children’s shouting voices. Seunghyun shriveled in concern when he heard the children, and began to pray fervently that Na hadn’t changed his mind about the Alhyun couple having kids.  
  
Alex was hoping just the opposite, apparently, if the smile on his face was anything to go by. Seunghyun gulped in fear, and he could feel the color draining from his face.  
  
The woman’s voice came speedily closer to the door. “If you don’t get back here right now, I _swear_ you’ll regret it you little _sh-_ ”. She paused abruptly when she saw the couple and cameraman standing outside. She made a quick adjustment to the expression on her face as a reaction to the camera’s presence, and her sickly sweet smile became even more disgusting in Seunghyun’s opinion when she focused her attention on Alex. He had to resist the urge to strangle her when her eyes raked appreciatively over the older man’s form.  
  
Alex didn’t notice her interest since he was busy trying to see beyond her to the children that were surely somewhere inside. “I’m sorry, we were directed here. Are we at the right place?” he asked her politely.  
  
“Why _yes_ , if you’re here for WGM,” she said, giggling in what she thought was a flirtatious manner. Seunghyun barely suppressed a growl.  
  
She turned her head and looked at Seunghyun finally. Her mouth dropped open. She pretended to be scandalized when it was obvious she was enjoying Seunghyun’s supposedly embarrassing position based on her smirk. “Oh. My. _God!_ Is that _TOP-sshi_? In a _dress_? Ha! What is this world coming to, with men wearing dresses and ‘marrying’ other men? Tch! I don’t know _what_ your director was thinking,” she said to Alex, completely ignoring Seunghyun. He actually did growl when she linked her arm through the older man’s and dragged him inside. “-but he _really_ needs to look up the definition of ‘reality TV’, because he’s _waaaay_ off the mark. Not that I’m complaining, though.” She looked at Seunghyun again, this time like he was some kind of really expensive candy or something, and he could see that she was thinking depraved thoughts. “We could use the extra income for rent here.”  
  
“Oh? And what exactly are we renting?” Alex asked curiously, still unaware of how disgustingly greasy the lady was (honestly, she was acting more greasy than Jiyoung and Seungri combined!). Seunghyun wanted to hit him for letting her undermine his authority as Alex’s... wife? Husband? Partner? _Something_!!!  
  
“Oh, our sponsor rented the last house on the lane you passed for his grown children, except they moved to America recently so he looked for someone to rent it until the lease was up. And then your director came along!” she said airily, still guiding them further into the house. Some of the children in the room that they crossed stopped wrestling to stare at Seunghyun. One screamed, another pointed their finger at him and said unkindly, “Isn’t that a _boy_?!”, and some others laughed....  
  
“Your sponsor?” Seunghyun asked, suddenly interested in what she had to say, not because of the kids or anything.  
  
To his memory, the grandfather and his wife had been thinking of renting one of the villas for their kids around the time Seunghyun was leaving. If they were the sponsors of... whatever it was they were sponsoring, surely that meant they were still around.  
  
“Yes, Seo-In-haraboji and his wife have kindly donated most of this home to our church’s orphanage,” she informed him. Alex’s face lit up at the word ‘orphanage’, and Seunghyun got a feeling of foreboding. “They live in a room on the third floor of this building.”  
  
Seunghyun breathed an inconspicuous sigh of relief because they were still there. Then he looked down at himself and blushed. What would they think if they saw him like this?  
  
He didn’t have long to think about it before he found out. They reached the kitchen and there was Hwarang-halmoni tasting some soup boiling on the stove. She turned around with a big smile on her face, and Seunghyun nearly shriveled in fear.  
  
He certainly cringed when the headmistress of the orphanage (or so the shrill woman called herself) spoke overly loudly to the older woman as if she were deaf and/or stupid, saying “Halmoni! These are the new tenants!”  
  
“Welcome!” she said to Alex who had been shoved toward her. She immediately gave him a warm hug before turning to Seunghyun....  
  
... and giving him an equally warm hug. When she stepped back, she reached up and cupped his face, turning his face this way and that, humming appreciatively at what she saw. Mistaking his fearful expression to mean that he really didn’t want to be a cross-dresser (well, he didn’t, but not for the reasons she was probably thinking), she said, “Aigo, Seunghyunnie. Don’t worry, it’s just a show. People won’t think badly of you for following directions; they’ll blame the director, not you.”  
  
She gave him another squeeze and said kindly, “It’s good to have you back Seunghyunnie. It’s been difficult walking up the hill without your arm to lean on.”  
  
He smiled and apologized to the halmoni. When they looked up and saw Alex’s confused expression, they explained their past interactions together.  
  
It had mostly consisted of Seunghyun helping the halmoni to walk up the hill from her home to the greenhouse in the center of the villa complex, where she would then do some gardening as a hobby. In fact, Seunghyun had first met her when he was out on a walk, and she hadn’t needed the help -- or so she said -- but she accepted his arm when he offered it to her.  
  
Although his plans of bringing his family together at the villa complex had been a bust, the halmoni and her husband had been the ones to make him grateful for staying even that short time. They welcomed him wholeheartedly to their home for visits since their kids had all grown up and moved out. It came as no surprise to him to learn that they were supporting an orphanage at their home; they always did love children.  
  
“We’ve got the newlywed’s house all set up for you two, but if you need anything more, just ask,” the halmoni informed them. Seunghyun squeezed her hand gratefully.  
  
During their conversation, she had guided the men to sit down, and she busied herself with cooking a late-evening meal for her guests. Seunghyun offered to help, and he felt a bit smug when she cooed at him gratefully, patting his cheek, and then she glared at the headmistress for her lack of assistance. Instead of coming to help like she should have done, the headmistress excused herself to ‘check on the children’.  
  
Seunghyun held back a scoff. He berated himself, though, telling himself that it was far better that she was gone and not feeding Alex in front of him.  
  
A few children came in and joined them for a snack before heading off to bed. It was then that Alex remembered the boy who had run by them earlier. “Excuse me, Halmoni? There was a little boy -- Taedi was his name, I think -- he ran outside when we got here. Is he still outside? Are there any animals that we need to be concerned about?”  
  
The halmoni’s face became grim and concerned. She sighed. “Aigoo, that poor boy. He does that often, running out at night time,” she informed them. “He has a tree he likes to climb, so we’re not too concerned about the critters, but still.... Would you be a dear and go to the last room on the right on the second floor and check? His bed is the second from the left, top bunk.”  
  
Alex nodded and left the room. She got up, too, went to the back door, and got out her jacket, a flashlight, and some boots. “He usually comes back in after bed-time, so I don’t think he’s actually home yet,” she explained to Seunghyun, handing him a second flashlight. “It’s good to check, though, and make sure he’s okay.”  
  
Alex came back and confirmed her suspicions. He went out with her instead of Seunghyun, since ‘it would be a shame to ruin such a pretty dress’ as she put it.  
  
So instead Seunghyun agreed to go back up the driveway and start unpacking their home while Alex and the halmoni went to look for the boy.  
  
\-------------------------  
  
Seunghyun really hoped Alex wouldn’t bring the child to their home to ‘adopt’ him. He didn’t know if he could handle any more ‘coincidences’. In other words, he hoped the director wouldn’t get any more ideas to force Seunghyun into what the younger man imagined a perfect marriage, or a perfect family household, would look like.  
  
What he didn’t know, though, was that the director had nothing to do with this. The house and the presence of ‘available’ children for the Alhyun couple really was all a coincidence.


	11. Alone

Seunghyun drove back toward their house alone. The short trip was uneventful except for the minor scary moment when his heel got caught and he couldn’t remove his foot from the brake pedal for a few seconds. Not wanting to risk getting his heel caught again -- this time on the gas pedal -- he took off his shoes before resuming his drive.  
  
The home he and Alex were going to live in was just as beautiful as the villa he had rented a few years back... perhaps more so since he wouldn’t be living there alone. At the moment, though, it didn’t really feel that much better because Alex wasn’t with him, and a large part of him was hoping the older man had planned to perform some grand, romantic gesture like carrying him over the threshold to celebrate the event of them moving in together.  
  
But alas, Seunghyun was here, in his high heels,... _alone_. To be fair, he had a cameraman and some other staff making sure things went smoothly, but they weren’t allowed to interact with him. So he was pretty much left to himself in the spotlight.  
  
He sighed forlornly and stepped into the cold, dark house... _alone_.  
  
The only thing worse than stepping into a home alone is seeing moving boxes the first thing. Sure, it was a sight to be expected, but thinking about all of the unpacking they would have to do -- and would probably not be able to finish until next week’s filming -- was depressing to Seunghyun, so the first thing he did when he got there was to find a relatively tidy room to take comfort in.  
  
He rounded the corner beyond the living room and found his place right away in the kitchen. Someone had been kind enough to move the table and two chairs in at least, and that on its own would have been enough to make Seunghyun feel more calm about the situation. But the first thing his eyes were drawn to were not table and chairs but the oven/stove area. It was hard to miss, in its pristine whiteness and red bow.  
  
Seunghyun almost heard angels singing.  
  
A small smile steadily growing larger overtook his face as he made his way around the boxes to the oven. When he got there, he saw a note attached to the bow. He eagerly opened it to read the short message Alex had written for him: _A gift for my Seunghyunnie. I hope you enjoy using this as much as you did when you were a child. All my love, Alex._  
  
Oh, Seunghyun was so going to get in trouble with his parents for this, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care about that just yet. If the cameras hadn’t been trained on him, Seunghyun was sure he would have been squealing in girlish delight right about now. He had to fight the urge to turn to the camera and say something smug about how superbly his husband treated him, and all of their fangirls could just fuck off because Seunghyun was perfectly happy in this new role... okay, maybe not that last part, but he was definitely feeling spoiled as Alex’s husband.  
  
He tossed the card aside and made to untie the bow when he saw that there was another small note on the back of the one he read. It said: _P.S. Chocolate chip cookies are my favorite. Bake me lots, ‘kay?_  
  
 _I’ll bake you the best damn cookies you’ve ever tasted!_ Seunghyun wanted to shout. And so, like a madman, he turned to the boxes and went on a mad search in the hopes of finding the appropriate ingredients for a certain type of cookie.


	12. Taedi

“Taedi-yah!” Alex called. He was silently frustrated with the halmoni for her slow, unhurried attitude, but he really hoped that meant that Taedi was as safe as she assumed. He didn’t necessarily trust that any home surrounded by trees wouldn’t have dangerous animals that could hurt a child. Hell, he had nearly been attacked by a raccoon during his first-ever camping trip when he was a child.  
  
He shuddered at the memory. Those things may look cute and cuddly on the outside, but sometimes they get vicious. He was just lucky his parents were there to keep him safe.  
  
A warm hand touched his elbow, and he looked down at the short woman to see why she had stopped. She looked hesitant.  
  
“I’m sorry to trouble you, Alex-sshi,...” she began apologetically.  
  
If Alex had been concerned before, he was _really_ concerned now. Korean grandmothers weren’t usually apologetic to youngsters. They may be sorry for something, but often they go on pretending like they knew what they were doing.  
  
They most certainly _don’t_ apologize to their juniors... unless something was really wrong.  
  
The halmoni wrung her hands together, and Alex’s dread grew.  
  
“Halmoni, what’s wrong?” Alex asked.  
  
“Well, you see, Taedi doesn’t often go climb a tree like I said before. I... I made that up,” she said bashfully, looking very much like a child confessing to taking a cookie from the cookie jar.  
  
Alex didn’t know yet what to make of this information, so he just said, “Oh?”  
  
She licked her dry lips and continued on. “N-no, but he does have a tendency of running away to his own special place when he wants to be alone. That special place, um, is... is actually...”.  
  
“Where is it, Halmoni?” Alex asked softly, taking hold of a hand because she looked like she was afraid he would be angry about something.  
  
“He’s in your home!” she blurted out, then blushed bashfully.  
  
“My home? You mean, Taedi may have gone to the home Seunghyun and I are to share, is that it?”  
  
“Yes!” And now the halmoni was about to start crying, which made it really difficult for Alex to maintain his calm and not freak out. “Taedi’s such a sweet boy when he wants to be, but he has trouble getting along with everyone else, and it’s been _good_ for him to have a place of his own so that he can concentrate on his homework and not get upset by the others, but we rented the house to you and the director so he really shouldn’t be there, and I told him the house was being rented out and he wasn’t allowed to go there anymore but I don’t think he listened to me and he’s angry and he’s going to be scolded by the director and then I’ll get in trouble for not keeping him in line and he’ll be sent somewhere else to be unhappy and you all will stop renting but we could really use some income right now and... and... oh dear!” She broke down crying.  
  
“There there, Halmonim,” Alex said, pulling her in for a comforting hug. “No one’s going to do anything of the sort, so stop worrying about it. In fact, I’ll talk with the director and see about letting Taedi have a room, so he can continue to have a place of his own,” he found himself promising. At that moment, he wasn’t really thinking about how Seunghyun would feel; he was more concerned about calming the halmoni down.  
  
“Oh thank you! Thank you!” she burbled. “He may be a bit of trouble at first, but he’ll warm up to you so long as you give him some space. He’s _such_ a sweet boy, you’ll see.”  
  
 _Hoo boy, what have we gotten ourselves into_ , Alex thought as he waited for her to calm down so they could go back to the realm of cameras.


	13. Not Alone

_Hyung, I would kiss you if I weren’t so worried about becoming pregnant. Thank you! (For the oven, I mean.)_  
  
Alex’s phone received this text from Seunghyun as he was being driven up the lane in a car by the orphanage’s headmistress. She was prattling on about something or other, but Alex was unable to focus on her. All he could think about was that he was coming home not only to a husband, but a child as well!  
  
He knew he was in dangerous territory in terms of his feelings, because although his infatuation for Seunghyun had hit him hard, his love for Taedi had hit him even harder. Alex supposed it was mostly due to the facts that (a) Taedi was an orphan and therefore available to be loved, (b) Seunghyun wasn’t really available to be loved no matter how wild Alex’s imagination ran, and (c) Alex was actually on the lookout for a child to adopt more than for someone to marry.  
  
Even though it was all happening very fast, Alex couldn’t help but feel absolutely content and elated.  
  
He smiled and let his imagination run on and on and on....  
  
\------------------------------  
  
Seunghyun had found most of the ingredients for the cookies and had turned on the floor-heating and a few lights while he was at it when he got the text message from Alex.  
  
 _Taedi somewhere in our house. Is his hiding place. Film crew don’t know yet. Home soon. Don’t do anything ‘til I get there._  
  
 _Oh no, he’s gone and adopted a child for us_ , was Seunghyun’s first thought. Then, it occurred to him that if Taedi could get into their house without the filming crew noticing, then perhaps the sasaeng could, too.  
  
So he ignored the suggestion to wait and, as quietly and subtly as possible, Seunghyun methodically searched the house.  
  
He found Taedi’s room when he opened a door on the third floor and felt a cold draft blow out. The cold air confirmed his suspicions about how Taedi got in, and he silently praised the boy on his drainpipe-climbing skills. Seunghyun himself used to sneak into his own home as a child, and he was fortunate that his home had been on the first floor because he had always been incapable of climbing anything.  
  
Seunghyun only opened the door partway so the camera man couldn’t see anything beyond him but darkness, although he himself managed to see a small makeshift tent among large piles of boxes before Taedi hastily turned his flashlight off.  
  
Seunghyun pretended to hear a sound from another room, and headed in that direction after closing the door so no one would suspect Taedi’s presence. Once he had searched the last room, Seunghyun felt reassured that the only stranger in the house was Taedi.  
  
He hoped that the minor encounter wasn’t enough to scare Taedi away. Although Seunghyun didn’t want the boy to stay, he knew it was dangerous for the boy to be out in the freezing cold dark. He’d rather the boy stay here where it was warm instead of getting lost out there.  
  
Speaking of which, he’d have to figure a way to make sure the window on the third floor got closed, and he’d also have to think of how to lure Taedi down to where it was warmer.  
  
He didn’t have to think long. To Seunghyun’s reasoning, kids liked sweet things, and he was planning on baking sweet things anyway, so what else did he really have to do except entice the child with the smell of delicious cookies baking?  
  
At least, that’s what his mother used to do to lure him out of hiding.  
  
\------------------------------  
  
“Honey! I’m home!” Alex shouted out into the house from the entryway, kicking off his shoes with reckless abandon. It had been fifteen minutes at least since he had told Seunghyun he was on his way home, which had been fifteen minutes too long. The headmistress didn’t seem to want to let him go, and she insisted on continuing her chatter. To be fair, it was all pertinent information about Taedi, but it was a conversation he would have preferred to have away from the cameras. When she finally left, he took a few minutes to talk with the PD in charge (not Na, who was elsewhere) about the situation, and all agreed that keeping Taedi off screen was best for now until they could have a conference with PD Na.  
  
However, Taedi was allowed to stay the night, so long as Seunghyun and Alex did enough filming alone together (as opposed to being lost amongst the other cast members) to fill their role in an episode. Alex knew from experience that winging it was not a good idea, since that might make the flow of things awkward and disjointed. It was best to have a tentative plan, and Alex had one.  
  
The basic plan for this evening was to celebrate moving into a new home with Seunghyun. From there, it was easy for Alex to think up things to do that fit with this theme. Romantic things like feeding each other cookies (or cookie dough) and drinking the wine that was currently chilling in the fridge.  
  
Alex was contemplating whether to set up an area on the dining table or to clear a space in the living room for their romantic dining when Seunghyun slid around the corner in his slippers. The older man looked at him amused, pleased that he was obviously enjoying himself.  
  
“Welcome home, Hyung!” Seunghyun said. Whether he meant for it to sound sultry and seductive, Alex didn’t have time to figure out because he was immediately distracted by a wicked twinkle in the younger man’s eyes. He had no idea what Seunghyun was up to, even when he stalked over to him scooped him off of his feet bridal-style.  
  
“ _Oof!_ You’re heavy!” Seunghyun exclaimed as Alex squawked over the sudden change in his body position. He hadn’t been held like this since he was a child, and suddenly the view from up here seemed that much more intimidating, even though Seunghyun wasn’t that much taller than him.  
  
“W-what are you doing?” Alex squeaked, clinging tightly to Seunghyun’s shoulders as the younger man wobbled away from the entryway.  
  
“ _Someone_ needed to be carried in here bridal-style,” Seunghyun explained. Then he turned his head toward him and glared at Alex with his captivating eyes. “And I may be the one wearing the dress, but we are _not_ going to let that determine who wears the pants in this relationship, got that? I get to do the manly things from time to time,” he ordered in a low, somewhat threatening tone of voice.  
  
Alex swallowed heavily and nodded. Seunghyun finally put him back down on his feet, and as soon as his feet touched the ground, Alex grabbed Seunghyun’s wrist and pulled the surprised man back to the doorway.  
  
The twinkle now in his own eyes, he informed Seunghyun, “I’m perfectly fine with you being the man in this relationship from time to time, but I don’t see why we can’t _both_ be men at the _same_ time. Why should one person get to have all the fun?” Then he yanked Seunghyun forward and scooped him up so he was flopped precariously over his shoulder, Tarzan-carrying-Jane-style.  
  
“Hyung!” Seunghyun protested, wriggling ineffectively. Alex tickled the back of his knees and was pleasantly surprised by the way Seunghyun giggled. Yes, he actually _giggled_.  
  
Even cuter was when he tried to gracefully put Seunghyun back on his feet, but instead the younger man fell and flopped on his back, still giggling with abandon. He hadn’t noticed before, but Seunghyun was wearing an apron saying _“Kiss the Chef”_ that he had gotten for him earlier in the day and cute little fluffy slippers that somehow made him look more feminine than high heels ever had.  
  
Alex reached out a hand and helped Seunghyun get up without flashing everyone what was underneath his skirt. As soon as he was up, Alex held him close for the viewers’ benefit, not letting go even when Seunghyun’s giggle became more nervous than amused.  
  
But then he looked into Seunghyun’s eyes, so carefully highlighted by dark eyeliner, glistening in what could easily be mistaken as anticipation and -- it was even more dangerous to assume -- hope. He felt himself being drawn closer because of those eyes, and when his own gaze flickered to Seunghyun’s lips, he wondered what it would feel like to kiss him, to feel his warm, solid body melt under his caresses, to hear his own name breathed lovingly in that low, soft voice....


	14. Three Sets of Cookies

Seunghyun’s dark eyes widened as Alex leaned him back into a dip, keeping their faces close together. He could hear gasps from the filming crew, but no one stepped forward to stop them. Alex leaned so close, Seunghyun could feel his breath warm on his face, and as a consequence he self-consciously held his own breath.  
  
As if on cue, the timer went off, indicating that the first batch of cookies had finished baking. Alex started at the sound and thoughtlessly jerked Seunghyun closer. Fortunately, Alex turned his head toward the timer, because if he hadn’t, Seunghyun’s lips would have made contact with Alex’s instead. As it was, Seunghyun suddenly found his face smushed up against Alex’s cheek.  
  
“Oh! Um...,” said Alex, extremely flustered. Seunghyun could see he was blushing, and judging by how warm his own face was, he suspected his face matched the color of Alex’s.  
  
The situation seemed entirely too personal at the moment, Seunghyun thought. If he had learned anything from being on variety shows, it was that things too-personal could be remedied by comedy. So that meant all he needed was to find something to laugh about.  
  
Before anyone could see he was bluffing, Seunghyun pulled out a handkerchief and rubbed at Alex’s cheek, chuckling while informing him that _'someone’_ had gotten lipstick on his cheek. Thankfully, Alex went along with it.  
  
“Aigo, Seunghyun-ah, your lipstick seems to have smudged,” he countered, reaching his hand to cup Seunghyun’s chin while rubbing at the younger man’s lower lip with his thumb.  
  
Seunghyun blushed even more. Apparently he was wrong in thinking that things couldn’t get any more personal.  
  
He turned away, pretending to be distracted by the timer, which was still going off. He rushed to the oven distractedly and opened the door. He was about to grab the tray when Alex came up from behind and snatched his wrist away.  
  
Seunghyun didn’t think his face could get any redder. Frustrated, he looked at Alex and quirked an eyebrow, as if to say _What the hell could you possibly want now?_  
  
Alex innocently looked at his face, then down at the hand that he was holding -- it was then that Seunghyun noticed that Alex’s other hand had snuck around his waist, pulling him back against him... he gulped because his mouth suddenly went dry -- then again at his face.  
  
When Seunghyun apparently didn’t understand, Alex enquired, “Oven mitts?”  
  
“ _Oh!_ ” Seunghyun exclaimed, finally understanding. He looked distractedly around at the kitchen, and belatedly realized that he had absolutely no clue where the oven mitts were. He didn’t remember even seeing them when unpacking the other cooking supplies.  
  
“You didn’t find them?” Alex asked, concerned. He finally let go of Seunghyun and turned to an unopened box. “I’ll help look for them.”  
  
Both men searched frantically for the mitts, and when too many minutes passed, Seunghyun gave up and used his apron instead. Unfortunately, the first tray of cookies had cooked too long, and were brown through and through, instead of around the edges only.  
  
Alex was kind about it, though. “ _Oooo!_ These are _exactly_ my kind of cookies. I never could stand any that were slightly raw in the middle. I prefer mine to be well-done,” he said. Seunghyun squinted at him, but he thought Alex was being sincere.  
  
The second tray of cookies was perfectly done. These were a bit raw in the middle, exactly the way Seunghyun liked them. He was tempted to make the third and final tray of cookies the same as the second set, but it occurred to Seunghyun that there might be a possibility that Taedi wouldn’t like either burnt or raw cookies. So he focused this time on getting the timing just right.  
  
He was crouching in front of the oven, watching the cookies intently through the small window on the side, when a flash to his right distracted him. It was Alex, with a camera. Seunghyun scowled and stuck his tongue out at him, which Alex also took a picture of.  
  
On the one hand, Alex taking pictures reminded Seunghyun that he had done this before in the first season of WGM. Alex’s first pictures with Shinae had been when they were moving into their house, and Seunghyun didn’t really want to be connected to that. On the other hand, Seunghyun was thrilled that Alex was taking pictures of him. Having constant pictures at hand were a good way to make people think about the people in the pictures more often... not that he _wanted_ Alex to think about him often. That would be a potentially bad idea. But still....  
  
He blinked, and focused on the oven once again. It was a good thing he chose this moment to snap back to reality, because the cookies were done!  
  
Seunghyun took a plate that Alex had just fished out of a box, and put some cookies from each set on it once they were sufficiently cooled.  
  
Then, conveniently, the filming paused. Thinking he was being particularly smart, Seunghyun offered some of the cookies to the crew in the hopes of distracting them so he could sneak off to find Taedi.  
  
In other words, Alex had not yet thought to tell him that the Taedi-matter had already been resolved, or that the entire filming crew already knew about the child.  
  
So he slipped away, leaving Alex and the crew behind.


	15. Bam!

The floor felt warm now that the heater was running. There were sounds of activity and life coming from the kitchen, which had been cold and dark during the last few months. And the smell of _cookies_...  
  
Taedi was determined to feel resentful toward these people who had moved in. He could handle the house being cold and haunted. What he couldn’t stand was the _smell_. The only times he felt an ache of longing for a family was when he smelled delicious home cooking, because the most harmonious and happy moments of his life often happened when a good meal was around.  
  
But in all of the interviews and classmates’ birthday parties, never had anyone offered to make Taedi a part of their family permanently. And these new people who had moved in were no different. So Taedi wasn’t going to fall for anyone so easily this time around. _Especially_ not when they took over his home.  
  
He had managed to feel quite at home there when he was unable to in the irritatingly frantic orphanage. In fact, he was sure this was the longest he had managed to stay in one orphanage in his life. When he had first met the elderly couple, he had been cautious of them because they seemed too good to be true. But then, like in all of his happy memories, the halmoni cooked him delicious things. She didn’t just cook for everyone, she cooked for _him_ \-- and him alone -- on numerous occasions. The haraboji also gave him individual attention, asking him about school every day, teaching him the tai chi moves he did every morning, and not scolding him when he lost his temper toward a fellow classmate or orphan. Both elders seemed happy to have him, and he finally felt he was someplace he could call home.  
  
But then he made the mistake of trying to make his dream a reality, and he asked the halmoni one day when he was with her in her flower garden if she and the haraboji would adopt him. His request was refused -- sweetly of course, since the halmoni was a kind woman. She told him that adoption wouldn’t be a good idea, because she and her husband were old, and who was to take care of Taedi when they passed? She didn’t think Taedi would be happy living in America with her children, and she also believed that there were parents out there looking for a child _exactly_ like Taedi. _'Just wait and see.'_  
  
This was _not_ the answer that Taedi wanted. In a valiant effort to be mature, he waited until he had left the garden before he let loose with his anger toward himself. That was the first time he snuck into the empty house and claimed it for himself.  
  
Unbeknownst to him, the elders could see that he was very upset, and that the pain of loneliness and rejection ran very deep. They spent long hours talking about what to do, and how to help him. They decided that, given his tendency to become angry and destructive when babied, in spite of being only seven, it was best to let him have some place alone to sort himself out. They made sure to hide blankets, pillows, and snacks in with the boxes they had stored in the empty house for Taedi to find and not suspect anyone of showing him charity that would make him feel patronized.  
  
\---------------------  
  
He cracked open the door of the storeroom just enough to peek out into the dimness. From the sounds of the house, it seemed that everyone was downstairs.  
  
He crept out and, like a ninja, he made his way downstairs, just to see who his enemies were.  
  
Unfortunately for him, though, his hearing wasn’t good enough, because as he rounded the corner to go downstairs, he bumped straight into the wife.  
  
He stilled in fear, knowing the jig was up. But then he looked at the lady. Her appearance was distracting enough to keep him from running away, because there was something so curiously strange about her in spite of her being one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen.  
  
“Uh, cookie?” the wife offered, shoving the plate of cookies she was holding toward his face and startling him out of his reverie. He stared. There was something strange about her voice, too....  
  
“Erm, do you not like cookies?” she asked nervously. She looked distressed, and Taedi felt a small twinge of guilt over her concern. She was obviously one of the good people, because if she wasn’t, she would have chased him out and spoken to him harshly by now.  
  
 _No_ , he scolded himself. _Don’t give in to her. Just because she’s nice doesn’t mean she’ll adopt you. Keep your distance._  
  
He allowed himself to be a little bit polite, though, to give him time to plan out how to get rid of the newcomers. It wouldn’t do to be barred from the house before he could work his mischief.  
  
“I like cookies!” he exclaimed, grabbing one quickly. To his relief, that seemed to mollify her a little bit.  
  
 _Good, good_ , Taedi thought while nibbling on the perfectly golden-brown, perfectly delicious cookie. _It looks like she trusts me enough to be good. Just wait ‘til I find a few snakes and rats and bring them into the house. Then we’ll see if she’s still a good person by then._  
  
“Seunghyun-ah!” a man’s voice said. “What are you -- oh! I see you’ve met Taedi-sshi.” The man -- obviously the husband -- came around the corner and wrapped an arm around the wife’s waist, startling the woman so much that a cookie toppled off of the plate. Taedi caught it before it could hit the floor, and he secretly praised himself for nabbing another delicious treat. At this rate, the married couple would have no cookies left by the time they went to sleep.  
  
 _Excellent_ , the evil mastermind in his head said gleefully. _It may be a petty prank, but it’s the start of a wonderfully destructive relationship. Eeeeexceleeeent...._  
  
The husband smiled at Taedi. It was then that Taedi realized he had said his name. _How did he know his name?_  
  
“Er, Hyung,” the wife said while shaking off her husband’s arm. “Um, about Taedi-sshi.... Do you think we might let him stay somewhere downstairs where it’s warmer? It’s awfully cold up on the third floor, even with the heating...”.  
  
The evil mastermind’s ears pricked unhappily at this. _So she knew I was here? Ugh, no wonder she wasn’t surprised to see me. I hadn’t turned off the flashlight soon enough earlier I guess._  
  
 _Wait... she... ‘hyung’? Why’s she calling him ‘hyung’?_  
  
Then it all clicked into place.  
  
“You’re a _guy_?!” Taedi blurted out, interrupting whatever she -- no, _he_ \-- was saying.  
  
The, er, _other_ man blushed profusely and looked away shame-faced. “Yeah,” he said.  
  
“Um, Taedi-sshi, don’t be frightened. It’s just for pretend. We’re filming a show and we-”, the ‘husband’ began. But Taedi didn’t stay and listen. This was all too weird, and since the stairway was blocked, so he ran back to his room to escape.  
  
“Taedi-sshi!” the husband called after him. Taedi heard footsteps following after him, and he sped up. He climbed through the window-sill and shimmied down the pipe.  
  
However, in his hurry to get down, he got distracted by the man leaning over the window, calling after him. His hand slipped and he fell.  
  
He landed partially on the ground and partially in someone’s arms. A sharp pain shot up his leg, but he ignored it in favor of trying to get away. Taedi squirmed, and miraculously the arms that held him let go.  
  
He didn’t get very far. His foot really hurt, and he could barely manage a few feet before he fell solidly, face-first on the ground.  
  
Taedi could hear some commotion behind him, and the sound of deceptively high-low voice of the ‘wife’ reached his ears. He said something about being ‘too late’, so he suspected he was the one who had tried to catch him.  
  
A warm hand pressed against Taedi’s back, and the boy jerked in response, slapping the hand away. He may have growled a bit, too, but that didn’t seem to deter the owner of that hand.  
  
He found himself being scooped up into strong arms, despite his pained flailing and protesting. Then he looked: it was the husband.  
  
“Hey,” said the man calmly. Taedi blinked at him, wondering what he was going to do. He couldn’t tell, since he was standing there so peacefully and not moving.  
  
“Um,” was Taedi’s clever response.  
  
That was apparently enough of an indication that he was listening for the husband, so the man spoke, “Now listen here, Taedi-sshi. We didn’t mean to scare you away. In fact, you can stay here as long as you like, but that’s _your_ decision. Now, we’ll be checking your ankle, since you seem to have hurt it, but we’d like for you to tell us where you’d rather be checked up at: here, at the orphanage, or at a hospital.”  
  
The man waited for a response. Normally, Taedi would have given some snarky and demeaning response, but the throbbing in his ankle was clouding his thoughts. So, instead, he cooperated with the man.  
  
“Here,” he said honestly.  
  
The man nodded solemnly, and finally started walking them back toward the house.  
  
Taedi finally looked up and around, and although he saw a bunch of people carrying cameras and notepads and whatnot, his eyes snapped to the wife, who seemed to be trying to be invisible. She... no, _he_ looked extremely uncomfortable and upset, and seemed to be avoiding looking at him.  
  
For some unknown reason to Taedi, seeing the wife avoiding him made him angry.  
  
And, perhaps, he felt a little bit guilty, too.


	16. Freak vs Angel

Once he was sure Taedi was in safe hands, and once he had called the orphanage (aka, the _elders_ and not the clingy headmistress), Alex searched the house looking for Seunghyun. The younger man was very elusive all of a sudden, and apart from running out to fetch a doctor who he knew lived nearby from before, he had managed to hide from everyone very effectively.  
  
Alex eventually found him in the room where Taedi had escaped from. He was hiding behind some boxes, but the light from the flashlight gave him away.  
  
Alex turned on the main lights and shut the door behind him, locking it. What little he had seen of Seunghyun was enough to let him know that it would be a bad idea to let anyone else get involved. He seemed upset about something, and obviously wanted to be alone.  
  
But that wasn’t going to keep Alex from meddling.  
  
“Seunghyun-ah?” he asked, barely giving any warning before walking around the tall pile of boxes.  
  
“Ugh, go _away_ ,” the younger man demanded pitifully, throwing an unused cotton-swab at him. Seunghyun was surrounded by makeup removal products, and currently he had a black eye from smudged mascara.  
  
“What are you doing?” Alex asked. He knew he was asking about something self-explanatory, but he hoped to get Seunghyun to talk somehow.  
  
“Removing my makeup, what does it look like I’m doing?” was the curt response. He emphasized his irritation by throwing the damp, dirty cotton-swab he was holding onto the floor.  
  
“You look upset about something.”  
  
Seunghyun threw him a sarcastic _Oh really?_ look before huffing and grabbing another swab.  
  
“Seunghyunnie?” Alex nudged when the younger man didn’t say anything. “Seunghyunnie?” he pressed.  
  
“What do you _want_?” Seunghyun blurted exasperatedly.  
  
Alex reached out and grabbed the hands that were still throwing innocent cotton-swabs at the floor. Seunghyun jerked his hands back, and awkwardly placed them in his lap. Alex couldn’t help but feel a little bit stung by the obvious rejection.  
  
“I’m trying to figure out why you are upset, and why you are avoiding everyone, and why you are taking off your makeup when we aren’t even finished filming.”  
  
“ _Shit!_ ” Seunghyun cursed, covering his face in his hands. Obviously he had forgotten about the filming.  
  
“Er, I could ask the PD if we could continue our evening scene next week, and have them edit the scenes to make it look like an extension of tonight but in reality it’s next week. It takes two weeks for an episode to air, after all.”  
  
Seunghyun hung his head in shame, but seemed to be considering Alex’s suggestion.  
  
“It... it would take a really long time for me to reapply the makeup, and I feel like we’ve already made the crew wait a long time...,” Seunghyun finally replied.  
  
Alex smiled sympathetically. “I’ll go ask. Wait here please. I want to continue our discussion here.”  
  
The PD and crew seemed relieved about Alex’s suggestion. It was already two in the morning, and although they were accustomed to working during unconventional hours, they still longed for a good night’s sleep. They weren’t going to get it, but they were grateful not to have to work the entire night like it had seemed they would need to do.  
  
Alex checked in on Taedi, and saw that the boy was alone and sound asleep on the large, king-sized bed that the crew had hastily put together for him. After making sure a glass of milk, some cookies, and an extra blanket were easily within Taedi’s reach should he need any of them, Alex made his way back up the stairs to where Seunghyun was.  
  
As an afterthought, he went back down to grab his special present for Seunghyun. He had planned on waiting for his birthday in a month’s time, but Alex suspected he needed a little bit of tender, loving care at the moment.  
  
Seunghyun was dressed in normal men’s clothes and his face was clean by the time Alex got back to him. He looked lost in thought, and a bit sullen as well. He was surprised when a plain, brown back was thrust into his lap.  
  
“Wha-? What’s this?” he asked curiously, sufficiently distracted.  
  
“It’s a little gift from me to you. I saw it in the store this morning and couldn’t resist getting it for you,” Alex lied.  
  
Seunghyun narrowed his eyes. “It’s not lingerie, is it?”  
  
Alex smacked his hand to his forehead in an exaggerated fashion. “Darn! I _knew_ I forgot something!”  
  
Seunghyun chuckled and a small smile graced his features. Alex watched nervously as the younger man peered into the bag and began poking through the tissue paper. He didn’t know how Seunghyun would react, but he hoped it would be a positive reaction.  
  
The younger man froze when he saw it. Alex found himself holding his breath as Seunghyun pulled out the bear from the paper bag and stared at it curiously. He smiled that increasingly attractive little smile again when he saw the hole in the bear's stitching. Alex breathed out in relief.  
  
And then, quite unexpectedly, the Seunghyun frowned and asked, “Hyung, do you think I’m a freak?”  
  
“What?! No!” replied Alex, frantically flipping through memories trying to figure out what he had done wrong.  
  
Seunghyun bit his lip and looked down bashfully at the bear. “It’s just that... I think Taedi thinks I’m a freak. And he hurt himself because of it,” he finally admitted.  
  
“What?! Psh! No way!” Alex dismissed immediately. But then he remembered back to just before Taedi had run away from them. The boy _had_ been looking at Seunghyun strangely, possibly in fear. Undoubtedly Seunghyun saw that as well, and that was probably the reason for his discomfort later.  
  
“You’re _not_ a freak!” Alex said, hoping to make the younger man feel better. “You’re a... You’re a...”.  
  
He faltered, not knowing what to say. Desperately, he thought back again to when Taedi ran away. He remembered being surprised to see that the younger man had not followed him to the third-floor window, but was instead on the ground, sprinting full speed to the base of the drainpipe.  
  
In all of the panic and commotion afterward, Alex realized that he had not noticed at the time how frightened Seunghyun had looked when the boy was safe on the ground. He remembered being mildly curious as to why he was standing on the sidelines after having caught the boy, but now he realized that Seunghyun was trying not to scare Taedi.  
  
So Alex concluded that Seunghyun was too conscientious for his own good, and, as a result, he ended his stuttering comment by saying vehemently, “You’re an angel!”  
  
All was silent for a moment, and Alex marveled at how Seunghyun’s eyes could be so big. Finally, Seunghyun turned his gaze away and blushed while unconsciously clutching the stuffed bear closer. The younger man mumbled an endearingly awkward, “Thanks, Hyung”, and Alex found it incredibly difficult not to lean over and squeeze the stuffing out of him and his bear.


	17. Waltz Lesson

"So, Hyung, if I hadn't been stupid and had kept my makeup on, how were you planning on us spending the evening in front of the cameras?" Seunghyun asked as he dried some now-clean dishes.

 

"Well," Alex said, handing a wet tray over to the younger man to dry and pondering what he had planned on doing. He was having a bit of a dilemma: on the one hand, he wanted the candle-lit, romantic setting with wine to be a pleasant surprise for the younger man on the show, but on the other hand, he really wanted to see how Seunghyun would react without any cameras around.

 

"Well?" Seunghyun prompted when Alex thought for too long.

 

"I was thinking... we could dance," Alex lied. It wasn't exactly a lie, actually. The thought had been floating in his mind awhile, but it seemed... too personal for the show. Perhaps it would be okay in private?

 

One of Seunghyun's eyebrows shot up quizzically. "Dance? Um, Hyung, I hate to break it to you, but dancing really is not my forte. What you see on stage is after days and days and days of practice, and after years of following this routine, I can assure you it still doesn't come naturally to me-".

 

"I meant couple-dancing," Alex blurted. He could feel a blush coming on.

 

" _Couple-dancing_?" Seunghyun repeated incredulously. "Whoa there, Hyung. I've never tried it before, so I think it's pretty safe to assume that it _definitely_ won't come naturally to me."

 

"You'll never know unless you try it!" Alex insisted, hurriedly drying his hands. He grabbed Seunghyun's towel and the bowl he was drying and pushed them away. He then pulled him to the center of the kitchen despite the younger man's protests.

 

"But- But- But _Hyu~ung_ ," Seunghyun whined, squirming and pouting adorably as Alex got them into position. He looked so much like a petulant little boy, Alex couldn't help but chuckle at him. He tweaked his husband's nose and called him a _'cutie'_ , which earned him a full-on glare. Unafraid, Alex just kept on smiling and pulled the younger man's left hand to rest on his shoulder.

 

Seunghyun looked absolutely terrified when Alex tugged him closer, almost completely chest to chest. Alex could feel him leaning away, which suited him just fine since that would help him lead the younger man better anyway. Alex himself was a bit nervous as well, and when he took Seunghyun's right hand, he couldn't tell if their hands were mutually sweaty, or if it was just him.

 

"Now, uh, do you know the basic box-step for the waltz?" Alex asked, faltering a bit because even dressed as a man, Seunghyun was stunning up close, and Alex was feeling tingles just from holding him. Not a good sign, but he could overlook it if he could just focus on the dance.

 

"Um...", Seunghyun said uncertainly, unconsciously relaxing his arms.

 

Alex took a moment to correct the younger man's frame, reinforcing the importance of keeping his body stiff enough to be guided, yet soft enough so everything would be comfortable. Then, he taught him the box-step. Alex was delighted to see that in less than a minute, Seunghyun had naturally stopped looking down at his feet, and was following rather nicely with Alex's rhythm.

 

When Alex saw he was becoming comfortable enough to space off, he started turning them in increments. When this didn't seem enough to distract the younger man, he tried a more dramatic set of turns.

 

" _Wha-_?" Seunghyun said, startled. To Alex's delight, he and the younger man finished the turns gracefully. However, now that Seunghyun's focus was back to what their feet were doing, the younger man thought too much and stumbled when they returned to the box-step. Alex caught him smoothly and chuckled good-naturedly.

 

" _To the side, rise and fall,_ " Alex sang. " _Is it a bit hard? Hey, don’t worry, let’s do it again one, two, three..._ ". Seunghyun chuckled when he recognized Alex's song.

 

He was a bit tense still, though, from Alex's minor surprise. Alex suggested Seunghyun close his eyes and focus on the basic step, and not think about anything else. "Let _me_ guide," he said.

 

" _To the front, heel and toe, you’re doing well..._ ", Alex continued to sing, admiring the little quirk of Seunghyun's lips. He let his eyes gaze fully on his face now that Seunghyun's eyes were closed, and therefore the younger man was unaware of being so closely observed.

 

Alex tried the sharp turns again, and although he could feel Seunghyun tense up a little again, they managed to flow easily into the next steps nonetheless. Alex found out rather quickly that his partner was a natural at this kind of dancing, in spite of his comments to the contrary. Even in the moves that required a slight change of step sequence, Seunghyun's body intuitively adjusted to Alex's silent guidance.

 

_"Please remember this feeling_

_You and I are still awkwardly tuning our hearts..."._

 

As such, Alex was able to relax himself enough to enjoy the dance and not think too critically about how he would lead Seunghyun into another move. He couldn't recall the last time he'd had a stress-free dance partner like this.

 

_"Now it’s merely beginning_

_The most beautiful dance in the world..."._

 

Though he wasn't normally a person who believed in fate, Alex could feel the magic of the moment changing his mind. It felt so perfect, so right, for the two of them to be together like this, in each other's arms. Once again, Alex found his eyes pulled toward Seunghyun's lips, and he wondered again how it would feel to kiss him.

 

" _Perhaps, it’s that. Yes, it is..._ ," he breathed. He was leaning so close now, he could feel Seunghyun's warm puffs of breath on his face.

 

It was that which made him realize he was too close: if he could feel Seunghyun's breath then the younger man could most _definitely_ feel his breath, too. Eyes closed or not, Seunghyun would surely be able to tell where Alex's focus was on.

 

So Alex leaned back -- more abruptly than he intended -- and the magic of the moment was gone. Because of Alex's distraction, both men ended up stumbling. Seunghyun's eyes flew open, surprised.

 

"I-I'm sorry," he apologized, adjusting himself. Alex thought it was rather endearing how Seunghyun now seemed to be enjoying the dance enough to worry about how he was doing. "Er, what did I do wrong?" he asked, still unaware that the stumble had been Alex's mistake and not his. "Did I relax my arms too much? They do feel a bit heavy now that I've had them held up for this long...".

 

Alex was about to interrupt Seunghyun's worry-fest when his attention was distracted by a pair of eyes peering around a doorway. As soon as their eyes connected, though, the spectator pulled away out of sight.

 

"It wasn't you," Alex finally said, with a smile. "I, uh, was just distracted by Taedi," he lied, jerking his chin toward the doorway.

 

"Oh," Seunghyun said, turning to look. When he saw that Taedi was no longer standing there, he turned back to Alex and seemed to realize that he still had his arms around the older man's shoulders. "Um," he said awkwardly, wriggling slightly away from Alex's grasp. He noticed Alex's disappointed expression, and tried to quickly make up for his rudeness. "Perhaps I should take this as my cue to head home?" he suggested. "Taedi might still be scared of me."

 

Alex nodded in understanding, but looked no less disappointed that their dance was over. _But perhaps Seunghyunnie could be convinced to do more dancing later_ , Alex wondered as he watched the younger man glide away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you don't already recognize it, the song that Alex sings in this chapter is from "My Vintage Album" that he released a few years ago. The track title is the same as this chapter's title: "Waltz Lesson".


	18. Kids Should Be Kids

Alex puttered around before the younger man left, making sure Seunghyun was safely bundled up for the cold ("Hyung, I'm only going out to the car! I'll be warm enough in there!" "Nonsense!") and had everything he needed (plus a few of his delicious cookies in case his band mates wanted some). He had Seunghyun giggling from his antics by the time he finally reached the door, but the giggling abruptly stopped when Alex thrust the teddy bear into his arms.

The younger man looked at the bear pensively, and with some concern.

"... Do you not like it?" Alex asked nervously.

"This bear is nice and all, and I really _do_ like it, but...". Here Seunghyun seemed to be uncertain. Alex looked at him full-on again, and could see Seunghyun darting nervous glances toward the bedroom Taedi was in.

"What's wrong?" Alex inquired, feeling hurt even though he knew that giving such a girly present to a man who was likely not gay could easily be considered insulting to some people.

_But Seunghyun seemed to like it when he got it at first. What happened to make him dislike it?_

Seunghyun looked down at his toes, hugging the bear close and looking like a child guilty of something when he said in a timid voice, "... Perhaps Taedi should have the bear instead? I mean, seriously: Taedi and 'teddy'... sounds like they were meant to be together, right?"

Alex had to suppress the urge to laugh at Seunghyun's adorable attempt at being noble. Seunghyun didn't _dislike_ the bear. Rather, he liked it so much that he felt awful for feeling obligated to give it to the child of the house.

So he gave Seunghyun a huge hug instead, pinning the bear between them and calling him a _'cutie'_ again. Seunghyun scoffed and nudged him away for that, causing the older man to chuckle.

" _Seunghyunnie_ ," Alex scolded softly. Seunghyun's eyes flew up at the endearing tone of Alex's voice, and Alex forgot momentarily what he was going to say due to the effect of Seunghyun's eyes on him.

_That seems to be happening to me quite a lot lately_ , Alex thought before shaking his head and starting again. "Seunghyun-ah," he said calmly, staring directly into those captivating eyes, "This teddy is _yours_ , and you may do whatever you wish with it. But I bought it for you, and you alone. You don't need to feel like you have to give it up. And besides, I can always get Taedi a stuffed animal of his own. Think of it this way: we both can have _'teddies'_. You have your teddy bear, and I can have Taedi. It'll be like our couple thing."

Seunghyun bit his lip, and Alex was beginning to think himself ridiculous for how often he wanted to kiss those lips and nibble on them himself. He felt inclined to bang his head on the wall in order to knock some sense into himself, but he would look weird, and he didn't want Seunghyun asking him to explain himself.

"... So, you're thinking of getting Taedi involved in this?" the younger man hesitantly asked, eyes flicking toward the bedroom.

"Well, I-," and Alex had to catch himself here. Were they still colleagues, or were they something more? Was Seunghyun close enough that it was necessary to tell him of his plans to adopt?

Then another thought occurred to him that hadn't come before: would Taedi even _want_ him as a father? The events from earlier this evening gave him pause; he had already kicked himself multiple times by now for not being downstairs to catch Taedi like Seunghyun had. Had he already failed as a potential dad? Did he even stand a chance?

It seemed Seunghyun was on a different track of thought, though. He was thinking more in terms of Taedi's relation to the show at the moment. "I think it's okay for Taedi to be here, but I don't think it's a good idea to put him on the show...," Seunghyun said carefully.

"Oh! No, I wouldn't dream of doing that," Alex interjected quickly. He then quoted his mother's reason for not letting him debut as a child singer when he had the chance, " _'All kids should be allowed to be kids while they can.'_ Putting Taedi on the show would be a bad idea; it might force him to grow up too quickly. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with befriending him during the times when we're _not_ filming, do you?"

Seunghyun smiled softly and shook his head. "No, that's not a bad idea at all."

The younger man turned and was about to step out of the door, but he paused. "Hyung," he said thoughtfully before turning toward Alex, worrying his lower lip between his teeth again. "Some of my fans... well, they aren't good people, some of them. Some may try to break in, even. Fortunately, when I lived here, the security was so good I didn't have that problem. But if, for example, someone _did_ manage to break in, and they found Taedi...".

For a brief moment, Seunghyun's fear broke into Alex's thoughts. In all of this precious time alone with the younger man, he had forgotten that he was a major pop idol, and now that they had already appeared on TV once as a couple, Seunghyun's fans were probably already planning Alex's demise.

_And if they found Taedi...._

"Don't worry," Alex reassured him gently, yet his mind was working in overtime. "I'll double check with security to make sure they've got their best people on the job, and I'll be sure to tell Taedi in tonight's chat what to do if someone breaks in, okay? In fact, if it's necessary, I'll find a way to stay here to keep watch over him. It'll be okay, I promise."

Seunghyun closed his eyes and breathed a sigh, trying to relax his own tension. "Okay. ...It'll be okay," he murmured, turning toward the door for the last time. "See you, Hyung. And thanks for the bear," he said as a side note, waving the bear's arm over his shoulder at the older man.

"You're welcome, Seunghyunnie. Good night," Alex said softly to the retreating forms. He smiled when Seunghyun began dancing with the bear toward the van waiting for him, chuckling good-naturedly.

Watching him, it occurred to Alex that adults should be kids from time to time, too. From what he had gleaned from his time with the younger man, Seunghyun tended to take a lot of responsibility upon himself, and didn't let himself be like a child as often as he should. And now, Alex thought he knew why. Alex shook his head, bemused. He didn't think he would ever be able to understand why fans were incapable of seeing the damage they could do to those that they love, and how those actions were so unloving.

As Seunghyun's ride drove down the lane, Alex said a quick prayer for his safe journey home. And then, once Seunghyun's ride was out of sight, he turned back into the house, refocusing his thoughts on the child of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yep. I _totally_ planned the Taedi/Teddy similarity. I was so scared I would slip up in earlier chapters and say the word 'teddy' and everyone would go, "Oh, wait, teddy... Taedi?", and guess where I was going before Seunghyun could say it. Although, out of curiosity, was there anyone out there who called it before this chapter and didn't say anything? Here's a knuckle-bump to you, then. *knuckle-bump!*
> 
> Also, sorry for the downer ending to this chapter. The next chapter will have a more happy ending, I promise.
> 
> P.S. Happy New Year everyone!


	19. Lovable

_An hour later, in the Big Bang dorm...._

"Ugh! Why are you so _adorable_?!" Seunghyun cooed/growled at his new toy.

Seunghyun felt silly, both in a stupid and giddy way. He felt stupid because, well, that seemed to be his default feeling whenever he was around Alex. The giddiness could normally be attributed to the same reason also, although this time it was triggered by the teddy bear.

He held the soft armful above his head as he lay on his bed, admiring it. He was amazed by how being given a child's cuddly toy felt as much a romantic gesture as receiving a handful of roses was.

The roses he had been given two weeks ago were hanging from the wall. They had dried nicely, but they seemed so fragile. Seunghyun had been worried about having to give them up someday, but now he had a teddy bear. Therefore, if he had to give it up, he'd at least have something he'd been given by Alex.

\---------------------------

He had a lot of kids' toys. But this was his _first_ teddy bear. When he was younger, he envied his sister for having the dolls and stuffed animals. After the baking fiasco, his mom only ever gave him manly toys. He didn't much care for them, but he kept them for show so his manliness wouldn't be in question with his father.

Then, when he became 'free' and joined Jiyoung at the YG Sanctuary (as they liked to call it), he let Jiyoung convince him that it was okay to own things that he liked. After all, Jiyoung had some pretty eclectic tastes of his own.

It was because of Jiyoung's tastes that Seunghyun became aware of his own liking for men. His friend was a naturally messy person, so it was only natural for him to leave magazines of scantily clad men in suggestive poses someplace where Seunghyun could find them. The first few pages of the magazine he picked up were ads, of course, so Seunghyun thought nothing of it. He had grown confused by the next few pages, and was about to toss it aside in favor of another one -- because he couldn't figure out _what_ they were trying to advertise -- when he noticed Jiyoung staring at him oddly.

When his friend didn't respond to his questioning eyebrow-quirk, he asked, "Are you confused by these spreads, too? Perhaps they need a new graphic designer. If they can't make it obvious to someone as smart as you...".

"It's not an ad," Jiyoung said, still staring. His face was turning surprisingly red. Seunghyun had never known his friend to get embarrassed, yet here he was.

"It's a bunch of pictures of men for women to wank to."

"Oh," Seunghyun said, pausing to let this information sink in. "If it's for women, then why do you have it?"

Jiyoung seemed to consider whether or not to tell Seunghyun, but he said it in the end. "Some men like to look at it, too."

Although Seunghyun was the biggest _bingu_ either of them knew, somehow he got it. He could feel his face turning warm also. His first inclination was to laugh at Jiyoung and suggest he go to a mental ward, but he tamped down on that impulse. Jiyoung had been nothing but understanding of his own feelings and insecurities, so the least he could do was try to be as considerate if he could.

But he couldn't really think of anything good to say, so he said "Oh" again.

It took only a short time of thinking about it before Seunghyun could understand the appeal of men. Pretty soon, he himself was wanking to fantasies of muscular men and fingering himself. In no time at all, the idea of ever having sex with a woman seemed like a bland, unappealing concept.

Realizing that he was mostly gay (and very, _very_ slightly bi) was probably the least worrisome revelation Seunghyun had ever had about himself. Although he felt sorry for his mother, he swore at a young age never to have kids because of his own father. He didn't want his children living in fear of their own grandfather. So he had no problems with being childless. As for spouses, he didn't really feel he needed one. He had his newfound Big Bang friends, and he had Jiyoung who had been a friend for a while. If he could manage to not make mistakes, he figured he'd have at least one friend to hang out with until they all got married or something. If that failed, he had no problem being alone. Alone time meant vacation time. Although, anytime he saw Seunghyun off in the corner daydreaming, Jiyoung made it a point never to let him be alone.

Seunghyun figured he was set on a good path. He had friends, he had a promising, yet tenuous future, and a completely different gender to explore sexually. If he could just find a partner like Jiyoung who was completely comfortable with his identity, and who wouldn't make the experience seem awkward, weird, or unnatural, then he was golden.

The only problem there was he wasn't really attracted to Jiyoung.

"Why the hell not?" his friend squawked indignantly at him when Seunghyun told him the news of his orientation and preferences, which didn't include him.

"I'm sorry Ji, but you're too...". Seunghyun winced. He knew he was going to get slapped for this, but he couldn't help thinking this.

"I'm too _'what'_ hyung?" Jiyoung growled.

Seunghyun resigned himself to his unhappy fate. "You're too girly."

He did get slapped. Then, over the course of the next few days, his friend pranked him in horrible ways, including throwing all of his underwear out of the window, stealing his clothes while he was showering (when Seunghyun got his first few paychecks, he made sure to buy locks for the doors), and making the maknaes wake him up by banging pots and pans.

Then again, there was a silver lining to that last one. Daesung wearing a tank top, sweats, and bright smile was a glorious sight.

Finding someone to experiment with was harder than Seunghyun realized. Even though Daesung and Youngbae were the closest to his ideal type, he just couldn't bring himself to ask either of them. They were his friends, and he wouldn't risk something like that with a friend unless there was some long-term promise of love to it.

And he just didn't feel _that_ way about them. He just wanted someone he had sexual feelings for, and no personal feelings attached. Unfortunately for him, sexual feelings came along with personal feelings. In the end, _he_ was the one who was unsuitable for being the experimental type

And now, with Alex, he felt a stronger pull toward the older man than he had ever felt for anyone else. Alex was a friend, but they were still early in their friendship that the relationship was still malleable, and could still become something more. He could tell that Alex felt some amount of attraction to him while he was wearing women's clothes -- and to a smaller degree in men's clothes -- but would it be enough to get something going? Could Seunghyun be just as attractive to him as a man?

\---------------------------

"What do you think, Teddy Bear?" he asked the stuffed toy staring blankly back at him in bed. Seunghyun was now under the covers, and had tucked the bear in next to him, too. "Do you think I can get Alex to love me?"

As if on cue, his phone beeped. He picked it up from his bedside table to check his messages before sleeping. He saw he had gotten a few while he was getting ready for bed.

The first was from his manager for the next day, informing him of his morning schedule. There were a few other messages from other work-related people. One non-work-related message was from Junsu, extending an invitation from Hyukjae to a new nightclub or something.

The last two were from Alex. Seunghyun opened those before most of the other messages.

_Message 6:_   
_did u arrive home safely_

Seunghyun texted a quick affirmative before moving on to the other.

_Message 7:_   
_i hope u dont mind i took a pic of u while u werent watching. do i have to pay a modeling fee?_

He opened the picture, and sure enough, it was of him daydreaming at the dining table while he ate a cookie. Alex must have taken the picture sometime between when Seunghyun took off his female persona and when he started washing dishes. The picture was surprisingly good, considering the limited quality phone cameras had. The lighting seemed to favor Alex, because there were no harsh shadows on Seunghyun's face. Despite having angular features and a normally cold expression, Seunghyun looked soft and warm for a change.

He wondered if this is how Alex saw him normally. He really hoped so.

Seunghyun thought a moment before typing his response: _is ok, but i do require a fee. how about a pic of yourself in xchange?_

He waited patiently for a response, hoping for one soon. His wish was granted within seconds, and he hurriedly opened the file. The sight that greeted his eyes made him scramble for a tissue, because there was just too much bare skin there to be legal, and he feared he was going to have a nosebleed.

When he got himself under control (no blood came out, thankfully), he looked again. This time he laughed. Aside from the ridiculously sexy, toned upper body, the picture revealed that Alex was in the process of brushing his teeth, and he was making a funny face at the camera.

_this ok for u?_ , the text below the picture said.

Seunghyun felt greedy. _i dunno. maybe i should take the pic of u instead, for full payback_

Alex responded: _k. since this one was a dud, u care to send me a selca in xchange?_

Seunghyun paused. He was currently wearing a silk slip, having felt like indulging his feminine side for a little while longer that evening. Not feeling like revealing that he really _did_ like wearing women's clothes, Seunghyun took a moment to grab a sweater before taking a selca of himself in bed, nuzzling the teddy bear.

_aigoo! what a cutie!_ Alex wrote. Then, immediately after: _the bear, not u_

Seunghyun scoffed at the teasing. <em>goodnight hyung</em>, he wrote, inserting a disgruntled looking emoticon at the end.

He took off his sweater and settled more comfortably in his bed. Alex's final message came before he turned his bedside light off. _was kidding about u not being a cutie, bcuz u r. g-nite my angel!_

Seunghyun blushed. He liked being called cute and an angel more than he should. "<em>You're</em> the cutie," he murmured to his phone, putting it away and turning off the light.

He lay there awake, staring at his teddy bear in the dark, thinking about Alex.

"Ugh! Why are you so _adorable_?!" he exclaimed, burying his face in the teddy bear's soft tummy when he couldn't stop thinking about the man he was in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I finished Part 5. And it took me... half a year. OTL
> 
> Part 6 will be a continuation of Onew and Yesung's storyline, so I hope to see you at Shinee or Suju's fandom! I hope you know that I love comments. I'm just saying. *nudge nudge*

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued...


End file.
